I suffer from Marty McFly syndrome.
Geese are hella expensive.
A nine-pound goose ran me almost $100.
This upped the ante: Seriously, are these things that much better than a duck?
Was I content to just stick a goose into an oven and roast it, almost guaranteed a victory?
No, of course not.
(Seriously, are you even paying attention?
I once spent a summer learning French just to be able to read a book on pastry.
On y va, motherfuckers.)
It was a siren call of inefficiency.
I did a deep dive.
And that was how I found the literal golden goosean undocumented recipe on the internet.
But in a blur of excitement, I instead mentally drafted a grocery list and a very polite note.
Dear Martha, lets dance.
Even so, the book has no photos.
It was like a horribly put-together dinner party, orchestrated by someone who was certain that cost equaled class.
As someone who adores aged cookbooks, I should have known better.
A lot of recipes from the 1940s-70s rely heavily on mirepoix, flour, and overcooking.
But home cooks in the 50s did not.
The Gala Goose was clearly a bird stuck in the Truman Administration.
Jose Andres doesnt even have a skillet that large, so I batched it.
I used a corn cob holder, carefully booping the goose everywhere I could reach.
Boil it for an hour and then flip it over without tearing the skin.
I mean, I love a challenge, but this felt like a straight up troll.
Heres a new razor, be sure not to knick the balls!
As the hours ticked by, my ennui grew.
By then, I knew.
This goose was not headed to any ball.
As I waited, I Googled the original author, a cooking instructor and author named Sally Kofke.
I thought about penning her an email, Im calling the bluff, lady!
No one has ever tested this fever dream of a recipe, amirite?
The bird did crisp up nicely in the oven, giving me a sliver of hope.
Despite being just shy of midnight, I carved my cinderella bird up and settled down for a bite.
Readers…I have, in my life, done some dumb stuff.
But in the pantheon of mistakes Ive made, Gala Goose earns a spot in the top 20.
The goose had made an intellectual decision to reject any flavor in the basting liquid.
It had a rubbery quality that should be examined by science for production.
Like most older recipes, a more motivated cook could easily modernize this recipe.
Season the goose well, roast it and make a different sauce.
Or you could just make a duck.
In fact, ignore everything elseI stand by the statement I made last month.Just make a fucking duck.
(Or, if you must have goose, just roast it as you would a fucking duck.)
Have I learned my lesson?
Either will taste much better than the following.)
12 cup dried cherries
2 tablespoons armagnac
Salt and pepper
Remove everything from the cavity of the goose.
Cut off the first two wing joints and any loose fat.
Prick the skin of the goose all over the body.
Put this loose goose fat into the largest saute pan you own, and render the fat until liquid.
Use a corn cob holder to prick the skin, and then shibari the goose.
If theres room in the pan, add all the giblets, wing pieces, neck and chopped vegetables.
If theres not, do this step in two batches.
Saute until the vegetables are browned, 7-8 minutes, turning frequently.
Add browned giblets and vegetables, parsley, apple peelings, cloves, and bay leaf to the liquid.
Scrape the thickened liquid back into the roasting pan.
Cover pan and cook very gently, regulating heat if necessary, to keep it just simmering.
After an hour, turn the goose over, being careful not to break the skin.
Preheat oven to 450F.
Roast until skin is brown and crispy, about 30 minutes.
Remove from oven, and allow to stand for about 15-20 min before carving.
Discard pieces of goose and seasonings.
Puree vegetables and add back to the pan with the strained liquid.
Boil quickly to reduce liquid by about half.
Add porcini and their strained soaking liquid, cherries, Armagnac, and red currant jelly.
Season sauce to taste with salt and pepper, and keep warm until needed.
(It will never be needed, becauseonce moreyou should never make this goose.)
