Withinevery dating apps direct messages is a delicate dance.
You want to be forward without coming on too strong.
You want to play it cool without losing someones interest.
You want to be flirty without scaring someone off.
If youre even remotely online, youve seen the screenshots of people botching this dance.
Theres teasing thats simply offensive, pick-up lines straight from 1995, and of course, incel behavior.
How can you message with your match without making the other person regret swiping right on you?
While one-word answers can sometimes fly during face-to-face conversation, theyre essentially the same thing as punctuation over text.
If youre feeling extra motivated, you could even (gasp) ask someone a question about themselves.
For instance, asking someone Do you have siblings?
Asking them, How is your relationship with your father and what are you doing to repair it?
is…less normal.
Negging (instead of teasing)
Teasing is an art.
True negging is the use of low-grade insults so you can make someone more vulnerable to your advances.
Put more simply: Dont lay it on too thick.
Acting entitled
Here Im using entitled as a diplomatic way to describe incel behavior.
Think messages like What do I have to do to get a response on here?
and Wow, guess Im not good enough for you?
and Classic female, ignoring a nice message from a guy like me.
In short, its not a great look.
Taking yourself too seriously
A dating app profile is not a job interview.
I think profiles that take themselves seriously are usually for people who are serious about finding a good match.
When you are looking for something super casual, its best to communicate that right off the bat.
However, the inverse is not necessarily true.
What to do instead:Have a little fun!
What to do instead:Luckily, theres an easy solution here.
Never send pictures unprompted.
Whatever payoff youre imagining is not going to be worth the risk.
An attempt to be confident can quickly turn into presumptuous.
And like, never call someone out of the blue.
Not even my mom calls me out of the blue.
Using impersonal pickup lines
Well, here I am.
What are your other two wishes?
Dont get me wrong, I smile when I get an extra cheesy opening line.
Unfortunately, that doesnt always mean Ill actually engage past that.
Like with cover letters, its obvious when youre shooting your shot with the same lines over and over.
What to do instead:Specificity is your friend.
Otherwise, youre putting someone who is mostly a stranger into an uncomfortable position.
Outwardly hating the apps
We get it: You hate dating apps.
I hate dating apps.
And yet here we both are.
Believe me, I understand the shame, burn-out, and disappointment that comes from endless swiping.
Still, it wont work in your favor to act as if youre too cool to be here.
Keep your bitterness to yourself and play the game.
Hating small talk
Yeah, nobody loves talking about the weather.
What to do instead:Be patient with a certain level of rapport-building.
Find a happy compromise between What did you do today?
and What do you think happens after we die?
Again, specificity is key.
Think up some creative ice breakers to get around the dreaded small talk, e.g.
asking about someones weirdest dreams, or what theyd want to eat for their final meal.
Have fun with it.
Listing specific requirements
The thought of matching with you shouldnt feel like applying to a job.
What to do instead:Be open-minded.
Even if you have an internal checklist for your perfect match, keep it to yourself.
Theres a good chance you dont even know what you really want in this world.
And perhaps what youwantisnt what you actuallyneed, you know?
ReferencingThe Office
This one breaks my heart, butThe Officeis dead.
Yes, I was a die-hard fan when it originally aired.
Then, when its popularity hit critical mass, I became a hater.
And now weve come full circle where hating the show hasyou guessed italso hit critical mass.
Adding someone on LinkedIn
Finding someones Instagram or Twitter from a dating app is normal.
Requesting to follow them is a risk (unless youve already been on a few dates).
Adding someone on LinkedIn is a wild leap from potential romance to business professionalism.
Are you trying to go on a date or are you trying to further your career?
What to do instead:Dont mix business with pleasure.
Maybe you feel more confused than when we started.
How can you stand out without coming on too strong?
How can you be confident and direct without sending someone running in the other direction?
Whats a single person to do?
Ultimately, you have to be yourself.
Dont let a fear of making a misstep stop you from shooting your shot.
(I do not endorse being a creep.)
For the most part, think of the dating apps game as low risk, high reward.
