I never wanted an Elf on the Shelf.
So now I have to put this thing in a new cute and creative position every night.
Its December 4 and Ive already run out of ideas.
(I tried not to laugh, but honestly this was the best part.)
She named it Star.
And somehow we got through the season.
I remember getting bored with placing ithere, versus placing itthere.
The elf cant be touched, so anything you put it on or in cant be used all day.
But we got through the season.
This must be a date, my daughter declared.
By Christmas Eve they were married.
(I made a little wedding dress and veil out of tissues.)
But now its another year.
I hoped my daughter would forget about the elf.
Surely AI can help me, right?
AI can do anything these days, right?
I wouldnt trust any LLM for factual information, but Ive found them helpful for brainstorming in the past.
Surely ChatGPT or Claude could give me some ideas for what to do with this darn elf.
(Do not click that link if you want to continue thinking of AI as intelligent.)
I had seen other lists of Elf on the Shelf ideas that involved lots of mess or finicky setups.
It gave me 20 ideas to start with.
These are the ones that looked viable, if boring.
Elf with a small toy.Place the Elf next to a small toy or action figure.
You could have it holding the toy or sitting next to it, as if theyre playing together.
(On the one hand: yes, this meets the requirements.
A small pillow or cotton ball can complete the setup.
Sleeping on the job?!
But, OK, could be cute.
you could hang it from a shelf, light fixture, or a chair.
Sounds precarious, but maybe doable.
The Elf could be making a call to Santa, or checking in on whos been naughty or nice.
My real phone??
I dont think ChatGPT understands that this is an all-day proposition.
The elf doesnt just borrow your phone if its nearby.
It gives the illusion that theyve been ‘caught’ by you.
Im supposed to surprise my child with the fact thattheyhave been chasing the elf around with a jar?
I dont think the premise works, nor does it make sense to capture the elf.
But thats just ChatGPT.
Claude is supposed to be smarter.
When I asked it what do I do with this fucking elf?
it cheerfully asked me what [the hell] kind of elf I was talking about.
Or it could draw mustaches on family photos (what?!)
or make a mess with decorations or zipline across the room.
These need to be lazy and easy ideas, I told it.
No going out and buying supplies.
It then responded with what you might call the opposite of ideas.
Just put the elf somewhere, it said.
The less effort, the better.
I agree with the sentiment, but I was hoping for something more.
After a few more rounds of nonsense (eating all the marshmallows from the hot cocoa mix?
Are you serious?)
The elf could look through binoculars made of toilet paper rolls.
(It could not.)
It could wear a small sock as a hat.
(How small do you think socks are??)
It could be posed like it’s taking a selfie near a phone.
Claude sends my elf to the Olympics
I realized I would have to help a bit more.
I told Claude about the romance storyline from last year.
Could it suggest any similar, easy storylines?
Not only did it agree, it told me my wedding gambit was hilarious.
(Thank you, Claude.)
It suggested that the elf go on a journey toward becoming a rock star.
Maybe a little backwards in chronology, but workable in concept.
I asked for more ideas, and got an elf escape story.
Im sorry, but Star alreadymagically travels to the North Pole every night.
We are not holding her captive.
I also nixed the spy storyline; shes a spy already, thats the whole deal.
Day 5: Another ‘failed’ magic moment.
Finally we hit pay dirt.
Training for the Olympics!
The elf can stretch, lift weights, practice a sport, and finally earn a medal.
Claude overestimates my elfs posing abilities
OK, position the elf like shes stretching for a workout.
But now she needs to become more athletic.
So I cut the thread to separate her hands.
But now it was hard to get her positioned inanythingother than a seated pose.
Her body is heavy.
Her legs cant hold her up.
Score: Claude 1, me 0.
Lets try some real sports.
Baseball, Claude suggested, with a pencil for a bat.
Once again we hit the what is that pencil supposed to be?
How to make it look like a bat?
Well, I managed to find a sports-themed pencil.
I couldnt find a way to stand her up, so she played seated.
And I set up her bobblehead husband with a cardboard baseball glove.
This is all so much work, though.
If I go this route Ill have to make toothpick dumbbells.
This was supposed to be easy, Claude!!
But Claude can no longer help me.
I ran out of free messages.
I am on my own now.
