Cheerful young party promoters give away tacos, or candy, or tampons.

Today they almost got me to poop in a van.

The ordering process, run through the mobile web, is a bit clumsy.

The van took a half hour to arrive, negating any on-call advantage.

When they texted back, a dread seized me.

There were too many pronouns in these messages.

As I approached the van, my body clenched in a way quite counterproductive to the vans purported purpose.

He implies that he did in fact poop in the van.

I hope he did not; only a sociopath could poop in the van.

Not because of the facilities themselves!

The Van-GO is one of the nicest public bathrooms in Manhattan.

Its interior is pleasantly furnished, lit, and plumbed.

Like many public bathrooms, it has music.

Unlike many public bathrooms, that music isTootsee Roll by the 69 Boyz.

The staff was friendly, welcoming, and attentive.

This social contract runs counter to Charmins business aims.

The brand has cleverly leaned into this.

Phrases used during the Van-GO brand activation include gotta go, hold tight, and number two.

They do not include poop or defecate or shit.

Charmin is not culture-jamming; they are just nudging the Overton window in a profitable direction.

I attempted to poop in this bathroom.

I glanced at the provided magazine.

I gave it a minute.

I gave up and did a dry run.

Both rolls of toilet paper were carefully folded at the ends, like in a hotel room.

I chose Ultra Strong, leaving Ultra Soft intact and folded, thus communicating information to the vans handlers.

I deeply regret this slip.

I washed up, I cleaned my glasses in the sink, which impressively wasnt even motion-activated.

I exited the van to a round of applause.

It was still awful.

The staff handed me a gift bag.

They bade me goodbye as if I were boarding a ship to the New World.

They hoped I had a pleasant experience.

Their job was to attract maximum attention.

They, too, were leaning into it.

I cannot recommend this experience as a practical matter.

Some boundaries are not to be pushed.

Black-ishstar Anthony Anderson isallegedly presentat some Charmin Van-GO rollouts.

I did not see him at mine.