Kids are naturally curiousthis is a wonderful thing.
But they also havent mastered social cues.
This can make parents uncomfortable.
Daniel T. Willingham is the father of 15-year-old Esprit, who has a rare chromosomal disorder called trisomy-18.
She cannot walk or speak.
Cognitively, shes comparable to a 9-month-old.
They might have a go at distract their child, or move them away.
Perhaps theyll admonish out of earshot, Its not nice to stare.
Willinghams advice to these well-meaning parents: Stop doing this.
Its more hurtful than you realize.
The staring is, in a way, not so bad, he tells me.
Its the let me get my child the heck away from your child that feels bad.
Our kids are aching for social interaction.
If theyre too nervous, a wave is fine.
In some way, acknowledge that this is a person, Willingham says.
Let Them Ask Questions
Often, kids will ask Willingham and his wife, Cant she talk?
or Cant she walk?
Willingham welcomes this sort of curiosity.
This is old stuff for us that doesnt faze us in the least, he says.
Its a way for us to educate kids and the public about kids with disabilities.
And Esprit enjoys having kids approach her.
But the invitations stopped once the other babies started doing things Esprit couldnt, like sit up independently.
Willingham says people shouldnt be afraid to extend invitations to kids with disabilities.
You know, its fine to ask, Hey, Im planning on doing this.
Would Esprit enjoy that?
These are the planned activitieswhich of these would work for her and how can we make this work?
He says parents of kids with disabilities are very aware of what wouldand would notbe comfortable for their children.
Parents want there to be future invitations, so theyre going to try and make it easy on you.
Its very likely that Esprit will die before my wife and I die, Willingham says.
I want to think about this at times of my own choosing.
He adds, For a child with severe autism, their life expectancy is really long.
Just ask hows she doing.
He also suggests not putting all the attention on the child with disabilities, especially if she has siblings.
(Willingham has two other daughters, ages 11 and 13.)
Just say, Hows everybody at home?
So dont make it complicated.
Talk to the child, he says.
Say, Hey, how are you?
Thats it.And see what happens.
