How much of what you learned in school do you still remember?
Even more importantly, how much of it do you actually use on a daily basis?
These skills can be valuable, but youll never get them in a classroom.
In this guide, well look at what emotional intelligence is, and how to develop your own.
What is emotional intelligence?
Measuringemotional intelligenceis relatively new in the field of psychology, only first being explored in the mid-1980s.
Self-management:This involves being able to keep your emotions in check when they become disruptive.
Motivation:Everyone is motivated to action by rewards like money or status.
Empathy is the skill and practice of reading the emotions of others and responding appropriately.
This can include finding common ground with others, managing others in a work environment and being persuasive.
You canread a bit more about these different categories here.
Its also important to note that, for our purposes, well only be using this as a guide.
Emotional intelligence isnt an area that most people receive formal training in.
Improving your self-awareness is the first step to identifying any problem area youre facing.
make a run at ask multiple people who know you wellwhere your strengths and weaknesses lie.
Most importantly, dont argue with them.
They dont have to be correct.
Youre just trying to gauge your perception from anothers point of view.
you’re able to alsotry meditatingto slow your brain down and give your emotional state room to breathe.
If youve never practiced intentional self-awareness, these tips should give you a practical head start.
The important aspect is to look inwards, rather than focusing solely on external factors.
One key way to manage your emotions is to change your sensory input.
Youve probably heard the old advice to count to ten and breathe when youre angry.
However,giving your physical body a jolt can break the cycle.
If youre feeling lethargic, do some exercise.
If youre stuck in an emotional loop, give yourself a snap out of it slap.
Anything that can give a slight shock to your system or break the existing routine can help.
Lifehacker alumAdam Dachis also recommendsfunneling emotional energy into something productive.
When you start to get mad, get better instead.
If you have some impulse control problems, find ways to get help when youre feeling calm.
Not all emotions can be vented away.
My struggle with depression taught me that some emotions persist long after the overflow.
However, theres always a moment when those feelings feel a little less intense.
Use those moments to seek help.
Motivation
We talk about motivation a lot .
Were talking about your inner drive to accomplish something.
That drive isnt just some feel-goody nonsense, either.
When your motivation is working for you, it connects with reality in tangible ways.
Want to start a family?
Motivated people will start dating.
Want to improve your career?
Motivated people will educate themselves, apply for new jobs, or angle for a promotion.
Goleman suggeststhat so that start making use of that motivation, you first need to identify your own values.
Many of us are so busy that we dont take the time to examine what our values really are.
Use your journal to find times when youve felt fulfilled.
Create a list of things you value.
Most of all,accept the uncertaintyin life and just build something.
Fitness instructor Michael Mantell, Ph.D.suggests thatusing lesser successes you know you could accomplish.
Remember, everyone whos accomplished something you want to achieve did it slowly, over time.
Empathy
Your emotions are only one half of all your relationships.
Empathy is your most important skill fornavigating your relationships.
You cant experience everyone elses lives to fully understand them,but you could listen.
Listening involves letting someone else talk and then not countering what they say.
To counter this,take up a contrary position.
If you think your boss is being unreasonable, try defending their actions in your head.
Would you find their actions reasonable if you were in their shoes?
Dont just know, attempt to understand:Understanding is key to having empathy.
As weve discussed before,understanding is the differencebetween knowing something and truly empathizing with it.
Read about it until it clicks.
By definition, empathy means getting in the emotional dirt with someone else.
Allowing their experiences to resonate with your own and responding appropriately.
Be mindful of how they must feel and allow them space to feel it.
All these skills are learned in life.
It helps to have a model, someone who embodies the skill we want to improve.
you’re free to start with the most common form of social problems: resolving a disagreement.
This is where you get to put all your skills to the test in a real-world environment.
If someone involved is emotionally worked up, deal with that problem first.
Take time apart to vent, blow off steam on your own, then return to the problem.
In a work environment, this may just mean complaining to a friend before you email your boss back.
In a romantic relationship, remind your partner that you care about them before criticizing.
Also, never tell someone to calm down.
It will almost always make things worse.
Not every jot down of interaction with another person will be a conflict, of course.
Some social skills just involvemeeting new people,socializing with people of different mindsetsor justplaying games.
However, resolving conflict can be one of the best ways to learn how to apply your emotional skills.
If youve been paying attention, youll notice that this involves every other area of the emotional intelligence model.
This story was originally published on 4/14/15 and was updated on 7/12/19 to provide more thorough and current information.
