No one wants to think theyre bad at dating.
Weespeciallydont want to think were the bad one in a failed relationship.
Fortunately, I made too many mistakes to ignore.
Here are the things I learned about relationships, mostly by screwing them up first.
Make a list and look for someone who checks off every single box.
In my early high school years, I didnt really understand this.
The first few times I was rejected, I wasnt prepared for it.
I obsessively read into things.
I didnt have the best hygiene habits.
Maybe Im not her pop in.
Maybe she likes artists and Im one of those analytical types.
Maybe she just doesnt have those feelings!
Just becauseIthink wed be good together doesnt meanshedoes.
Take an interest in yourself.
Learn how todress better.
Pick up an interesting hobby.Make new friends.
Hell,showermore than once a week.
Also, keep in mind that youre not going to be appealing to everyone.
Which leads to the second major lesson I had to learn.
Most people dont get a detailed feedback report on why they were turned down.
However, this also led me to the belief that the rejection must have been a mistake.
Growing up, I didnt think that being persistent despite rejection was creepy.
I thought it was charming.
The result is that I never moved on.
Id ask the same girl out over and over.
Id make good friendships awkward with my quiet crushes.
It doesnt take a genius to realize thats a huge red flag.
I had to learn that it wasnt weak or shameful to accept rejection at face value.
Its creepy, and it becomes harassment sooner than youd realize.
Which is a shame because I also learned that getting rejected was freeing, in a way.
Youre free to explore other options.
However, I was still plagued with insecurities.
One night, I got jealous that she was hanging around with an ex at a swing dancing event.
So, I asked her to stop.
She very promptly broke up with me.
It was the right call.
While I didnt realize it at the time, what Id just asked wasnt a minor favor.
Id just established that I believed my feelings of jealousy were more important than her choice in friends.
She hadnt done anything wrong.
She didnt cheat, she didnt evenflirtwith him.
In reality, my jealous feelings said a lot insecure I feltthan it did about her intentions.
Over time, I had to learn that feeling jealous didnt automatically mean that my position was correct.
Like any other emotion, its an indicator of a problem.
Maybe its insecurity, maybe its a trust issue, or maybe I was just too controlling.
Through this lens, jealousy becomes an amazing diagnostic tool.
It can quickly tell you what you find threatening.
I dont tend to get jealous when my girlfriend gets excited about a board game.
We both love them!
But I may get jealous if she gets excited about seeing her super hot, super smart friend.
One of these things feels threatening to me.
The other is not.
However,feelingthreatened andbeingthreatened are not always the same.
Digging into why you feel jealous can help reveal what scares you in a relationship.
When you call out the underlying issue, you’ve got the option to deal with it directly.
Eventually, I started waiting before I voiced every emotion.
I didnt jump to conclusions or have a go at control someone elses behavior.
However, I started to take it too far in the other direction.
I reached a point where I never brought up any problem I had.
While Id learned not to overreact to every emotion, I started causing all new ones bynotspeaking up.
When I was upset or bothered by something, Id keep it to myself, or worse rationalize it.
It reached a point that I never said they didanythingwrong.
With at least one girlfriend, I stayed with the relationship longer than I should have.
Keeping my problems to myself didnt help anyone.
It sounds cliche, but problems dont go away just because you dont talk about them.
In fact, the less you discuss them, the worse they get.
Its not always the most comfortable or fun conversation, but itprevents bigger problems down the road.
In the end, being honest about the problems I had actually led to more breakups.
This was my biggest fear but, like rejection, I found it was a net positive.
Nowadays, Im in a stable, happy relationship.
Im probably screwing something up, but I have fewer problems than I used to.
The most important thing I learned is that theres always room to improve.
When I was young, I thought I was a catch.
Now, I know Im a guy who needs to work on some things.
Fortunately, being perfect isnt a prerequisite for any relationship.
Photos byGuian Bolisay,Jackie,Jake Stimpson, andVisual Hunt.
