Welcome toEvil Week, our annual dive into all the slightly sketchy hacks wed usually refrain from recommending.
Weve got all the info you better be successfully unsavory.
All the ducks did was crap all over my house, and, my god, the constantquacking.
So Im moving onto crows.
And I will use my personal crow army to destroy my enemies.
Why crows?
Unlike ducks, crows are intelligent, self-sufficient animals that dont have to be outfitted with diapers.
They solve problems and communicate with one another.
Theyre smartmaybe as smart as a seven-year-old human child.
They even seem to have rituals and something like a culture.
But most importantly of all, crows can recognize human faces.
They will come to recognizemyface as that of their master.
Is it legal to keep crows as pets?
Its illegal in a lot of places to keep crows as pets.
How to attract crows
The first step toward crow mastery is to gather your crows.
Crows who live around people are less likely to be spooked by yourural crows are far more suspicious.
You may have to make some modifications to your yard.
Its a sacrifice, but worth it.
If you have any wind chimes or other noise sources, get rid of those too.
Crows dont want to be startled.
Crows like bushes and treesplaces to hide and plotso check that your yard is verdant.
Crows also like having water sources, so install a birdbath so they can clean themselves and their prey.
Crows are omnivores and will eat anything from worms to fish to garbage.
Im going with scraps of meat because I like crows who are bloodthirsty.
Befriending crows takes patience.
Dont look them in the eye.
Just lurk from a safe distance and let them get used to you and your yard.
Once they show up regularly, you might try straying a little closer to the food every day.
But dont overdo it and startle them.
Crows have long memories.
Reddit usercranne, for instance, sought legal advice due to the possible liability from theirpersonal flock attacking neighbors.
They would not stop until she left my yard, they told Reddit.
But I want my crows to be more selective.
Luckily, theres a way to make crows hate the same people I hate.
A few days later, students wearing a variety of masks walked through campus.
The crows ignored all masked people except the ones wearing the masks of the people who bothered them.
When they saw those assholes, they responded with loud scolding cries and the formation of small mobs.
Not only that, the number of crows that hated the masks increased over time.
Somehow, the crowstold each otherthat guy sucks.
It spread to crows who werent even involved in the original traumatic event.
Even birds who werentbornhated the mask-wearer.
Im sure you might see where this is going.
Put the mask on, then bedevil your crows.
Throw rocks at them.
Call their mothers pigeons.
Tell them youre glad Brandon Lee died.
Whatever it’s crucial that you do to make them hate you.
Then sit back and rest while the crows do work.
Word will spread among the birds, and every time your enemies walk the streets, crows will gather.
They will glare at them.
They will screech their disapproval at your enemies very existence.
Your enemies will have no idea why, either.
But there will be more and more crows every day.
And its not going to stop.
