Welcome to Evil Week, our annual dive into all the slightly sketchy hacks wed usually refrain from recommending.
Weve got all the info you oughta be successfully unsavory.
Even though I was drunk and I dont believe in anything, I refused the offer.
Id say its all nonsense, but my drunken bar encounter suggests Im not entirely certain.
Bothviolinist Niccolo Paganiniandblues icon Robert Johnsonare said to have sold their souls to avoid practicing scales.
But we wanted an evil book, and you dont get much more evil than that.
Malleus Maleficarumdescribes two methods of selling your soul to the Devil.
Do not waste time here.
Your coven should beveryhelpful with scheduling and walking you through the specifics on the appointed day.
(If theyre not, find a new group of blasphemers.)
According toMalleus Maleficarum, heres how to sell your soul as part of a Satanic coven.
Find a group of witches and/or wizards and ask them about their next conclave.
If they answer your request with something like, What are you talking about?
You want to find a group of OG warlocks and witches practicingblack magic.
Attend the ceremony alongside your new friends.
(If not, find a new group of blasphemers.)
This is your big moment!
Say Hell, yes!
(Do not waste time here.
Satan is busy.)
The Devil will stretch out his hand.
You should do the same.
With an upraised hand, swear to keep the covenant.
I assume there are refreshments and smalltalk after.
You are now a servant of evil.
Heres the loner-friendly method of selling your soul to Satan.
Enter a church on a Sunday.
But dont tell him why youre asking!
Once there, you must, deny Christ, his Faith, baptism, and the whole Church.
Dont forget to pay homage to the Little Master.
That and not otherwise do they call the Devil.
The Lord of All Evil may or may not appear to you at this time.
This is a thoughtful touch for introverts.
Youre now a servant of evil.
Devil-worshippers have the power to:
Raise hailstorms and hurtful tempests and lightnings.
Cause sterility in men and animals.
Throw into the water children walking by the water side.
Make horses go mad under their riders.
According toReading Rainbow, I can already transport myself from place to place through my imagination.)
Affect Judges and Magistrates so that they cannot hurt them.
(Which didnt seem to work during the Inquisition.)
Cause themselves and others to keep silent under torture.
Bring about a great trembling in the hands and horror in the minds of those who would arrest them.
Show to others occult things and certain future events, by the information of devils.
See absent things as if they were present.
Strike whom they will with lightning.
Kill infants in the mothers womb by a mere exterior touch.
Bewitch men and animals with a mere look.
But can I make someones penis disappear?
Youll actually have two methods of penis-removal.
Youll actually have two methods of penis-removal.
Its up to you.
What happens if you renege on the deal?
Stories concerning terminating deals with the Devil often revolve around loopholes in the contract.
Within a Catholic framework, the search for redemption is enough to save Faust from the bargain he made.
Or you couldget really good at playing the fiddle.
