Yep, thats me.
I finally decided to do something about it.
Im not sure where it started, but I know where it climaxed.
During the process, though, I noticed something: it was all about him.
When I sent the escrow payment, the company thankedhim.
The mortgage firm only calledhim.
He got all the phone calls.
It was like I had nothing to do with the whole thing.
We joked it off, but then came the tipping point.
I submitted our final loan documents, they were approved, and we were officially homeowners.
I sent a thank you email, to which the mortgage firm replied:
You bet.
It was so stupid, it was laughable.
But I didnt laugh.
It seemed silly, but I wanted to feel responsible for the goal Id worked toward.
Instead, I felt powerless and invisible.
I felt guilty fornot being grateful.
I was buying a house, after all, and I should just be happy about that.
You shouldnt apologize, she said.
you could be grateful and still want to have your moment.
Now, I know Im a soft-spoken person.
And I can be a pushover.
So I can see how it happened.
And it wasnt just that incident that pushed me over the edge.
It was years offriends undermining me, employers piling more work on me, and colleagues not returning favors.
I realized I could keep complaining about it, or I could figure out why it was happening.
Be Direct
Like a lot of people,I hate confrontation.
Some of us hate it so much we avoid anything that remotely resembles it.
Car salesman cant do any better?
Thats fine, Ill take it.
Restaurant got my order wrong?
Ill deal with it.
I never said anything, because I didnt want to ruffle feathers.
Heres the thing, though.
Its entirely possible to get your point across without being confrontationalIts called being direct.
Being direct is simply communicating what you think or feel about something.
Its objective and reasonable.
Confrontation, on the other hand, is a frustrated and aggressive reaction.
So be direct became Rule #1.
Im not the only one with this unfounded fear of being too aggressive.
Astudy from Columbia University (PDF)looked at assertiveness and self-awareness.
Subjects conducted a mock negotiation and then rated their assertiveness.
In other words, no one thinks Im actually being confrontational when I express myself.
That was reassuring, and it helped me stick to the rule.
I finally called out the mortgage company.
I was direct but polite and simply told them its nice to be included.
At first, it seemed easy enough, but as the project continued, it got harder.
Between that and a bunch of other obligations, I felt I had no control over my free time.
I hate to do this, I told my friend.
And, because shes a reasonable person, she understood and thanked me for the time Ididdevote.
My immediate reaction, a behavior thats long been my default, was to absolutely comply without question.
I didnt want to lose the job.
Even better, Id feel in control of my time and output.
To me, that was worth the risk, and thankfully, they agreed.
Of course, its not always this easy.
We all have necessary obligations we cant reject.
However, I think we often convince ourselves that certain tasks are obligatory when they dont have to be.
Embrace Your Accomplishments
Whenever someone compliments me, I either compliment them instead or I insult myself.
Either way, I reject it.
People reject compliments for different reasons.
Maybe they feel embarrassed and dont like the attention.
Maybe they have low self-esteem.
Maybe theyre afraid of being pompous.
Whatever the reason, embracing your strengths can do a lot for your confidence.
When you believe youhave control over your accomplishments and actions, you feel powerful.
This is whya weekly list of your accomplishmentscan be highly motivating.
Its not about patting yourself on the back.
Whats more, learning to take compliments and embrace accomplishments can alsotell you a lot about your strengths.
I made it a rule to start accepting my own strengths.
Keeping a weekly list of accomplishments is one way to go about it.
A simple thank you will do.
I could have something in about a week, considering my current schedule.
We really need something by Monday morning, they said.
Were on a tight deadline, sorry.
Considering it was the end of the week, that meant Id have to work over the weekend.
Whats more, they asked if I could cut my rate for a shorter article.
I shouldve said no, but I agreed and spent an otherwise relaxing Saturday working for a client.
I didnt do it because I needed the money or I really enjoyed the work.
Ridiculously, I did it because their stress was convincing.
I felt like their only hope.
Its nice to offer help, dont get me wrong.
However, I had abad habit of catching other peoples stress.
It wasnt even a friend or a family member who needed help, though.
I could have helped by referring them to another writer or respecting their time and ending the phone call.
I wasnt helping, though.
I was just taking on their problem for myself.
In turn, it mademestressed and bitter and resentful.
And it was my own faultI agreed to it!
Beyond this instance, I realized how much I let other peoples stress get to me.
If youre the pop in of person who likes to fix problems, you might probably relate.
We cant expect people to not bring their stress to us, but we dont have to accept it.
At least I do.
In the end, empowerment and confidence comes from withinand all that other fluffbut lets be honest.
Other peoples actions and reactions can impact us.
For me, it helped to pinpoint these habits and come up with a few rules to change them.
Illustration by Fruzsina Kuhari.
