Teenagers have a reputation as being a little moody or withdrawn, particularly with their parents.
The teenage years should have their fair share of eye-rolling and door-slamming at ones clueless, annoying parents.
Its a rite of passage; what goes around, comes around, etc.
There is a lot to unpack.
Overall, she is a great, cool kid, very smart and athletic and personable.
She does enjoy being around her teammates but thats it.
She is almost always grumpy especially when we ask her to do chores.
She asks deliberately provocative questions (examples include can I get a piercing?
can I become a satanist?)
In general, her cranky demeanor makes it tough to want to be around her.
Can you suggest a path for improving her demeanor and our relationship?
Your daughter is withdrawn from you and is acting consistently disagreeable.
Shes asking high-shock-value questions.
Because she is very angry with you.
Theres clearly a lot of anger here, Greenberg told me.
Greenberg suggests you start by asking yourself two questions: What is she avoiding?
And what does she want you and your wife to know, understand and accept about her?
There is something that needs to be said right now that isnt being said.
My guess is she assumes that theyre clueless about her life, she says.
And kids dont want their parents to be clueless.
In many ways, your daughter actually is trying to get your attention.
She probably already knows your answer to Can I get a piercing?
and can guess your response to Can I become a satanist?
And she may feel comfortable doing that because she has too much control and not enough limits right now.
Thats a good place to start.
Theres a lack of limit-setting, and she may interpret it as a lack of caring, Greenberg says.
She has too much control and kids dont want that much control … theyre not comfortable with it.
Will she be angry when you respond to her behavior by setting additional limits?
Yes, she will.
But again, the anger is already there, its just simmering beneath the surface.
You see it every time she looks at you.
And its okay for her to be angry and to voice that anger.
You write in your letter that youd like a path for improving her demeanor and our relationship.
That implies that she is the problem that needs fixing.
That if we can fix her demeanor, the relationship will be better.
But the inverse is trueif you want to fix her demeanor, you have to fix the relationship.
And not just her relationship withyoubut the relationships among the entire family.
You should all, Greenberg suggests, go to family therapy together.
If you also want to pursue finding her own therapist, thats fine, too.
But try getting her more involved in the selection-process this time.
Research potential options online together.
Let her pick a few people to interview and then let her choose the person she best connects with.
Put those things on the back burner for now.
Resolving the family issues should come first, Greenberg says, and then everything else will follow.
Have a parenting dilemma youre grappling with?
Email your questions to[email protected]with Parental Advisory in the subject line.
