At a loss writes in:
I have two lovely children.
My daughter is three and my son is six.
Overall, he is a well intentioned kid.
Loves to read and practice math.
What we struggle with is impulse control, primarily in regards to keeping his hands to himself.
He had a REALLY hard time in kindergarten.
But that was mostly the running in the hallway craziness of a five year old.
Towards the end of the year, the novelty had lost his charm.
He got in trouble for things that I considered petty.
Like playing with the water in the sink in the bathroom.
Or leaving a hole in the line in the hallway.
He was defeated and no longer put forth much effort to behave.
I was glad to move on from kindergarten.
First grade, however, was GREAT.
He was learning and coming home with sweet notes from his teacher about how good he was.
And then right before fall break, something happened and I still cant figure it out.
We had a two week stretch where he came home on red nearly every day for hitting someone.
Then one day he punched someone in the face and received (in-school suspension).
These incidents are generally unprovoked.
The kid he punched had just beaten my son in a race to the top of some stairs.
The next incident will result in out-of-school suspension.
He just tells me hes sorry.
He didnt mean to.
It wont happen again.
But then of course, it does.
He does very well in structured prefs.
His problems happen during recess and lunch.
Were running out of things to try and modify his behavior.
Weve taken away toys.
Thrown toys in the trash.
Kept him home from special events.
We discuss alternate solutions to his choices.
We talk about how to refocus and calm down when we get too silly.
We practice these things daily.
There has been talk of having him evaluated or seen by a psychologist.
That hurts my heart.
I dont believe ADD or any sort of learning disabilities play a role.
I am at a loss of how to proceed.
I personally dont feel like he needs a doctor.
Id like to chalk it up to immaturity.
He doesnt turn 7 until after first grade ends.
But he cant hit other kids.
And I feel like the school is losing patience with us.
Because… hes six.
Butknowingdoesnt seem to be the issue here.
Its the controlling of the reaction that hes struggling with.
Which is why he isnt able to explainwhyhe acted this way.
He doesnt know why he cant control his reaction.
(Because, again, six.)
We all feel frustration, annoyance, anger or even rage from time to time.
What comes nextcontrolling the impulse to act out either physically or verballyis a skill that weve had to learn.
Its like trying to treat the symptom, rather than the cause.
How do you help him build impulse control?
Discussing alternate solutions and talking about how to refocus, as youve been doing, is a good start.
But he also needs lots of practice at this.
Healy also says shes a big believer in what she calls a third voice.
I cant tell from your letter whether your sons first-grade teacher might be this person.
As you said in the opening of your letter, your childislovely and has plenty of wonderful characteristics.
Have a parenting dilemma youre grappling with?
