Once, I turned up at a party by myself, before any of my friends got there.
For a shy person like me, social interactionespecially with strangerscan be a stomach-churning, anxiety-filled experience.
Growing up, I was a timid, hide-behind-mom sort of kid.
My friends and family probably wouldnt describe me as shy.
But for me, being shy has always been about struggling to connect with people Idontknow.
I fear the unfamiliarity of a strangerhow they might judge or reject me.
Instead, it was a gradual process.
The more problems it caused, the more I learned to get over it.
The numbers on our client list didnt add up.
Had I spoken up to begin with, I mightve been a little embarrassed.
But after things spun out of control, I was mortified.
At another job, I spoke to no one.
I sat at my desk, did my work, and hoped people would just leave me alone.
I asked what made her think that, and she said, you never talk to us.
At this point, my shyness was giving my colleagues the wrong idea about me.
I didnt like that.
Occasionally, I freeze up when people ask me questions.
I force myself to speak, but Im so intimidated that I sometimes blurt out stupid answers.
The good news is: by practicing a few skills, these freeze-ups happen less and less.
Here are a few realizations and tips that helped most.
I used to have a bad habit of cracking my knuckles.
That wasnt who I was; it was something I did.
If I could break that habit, surely I could break my shyness.
Its not all about me
Shy people often overthink their behavior and responses.
Did I say something that might seem offensive?I still do this.
I used to do this constantly, and it made me dread social interaction even more.
It made me feel like a narcissistic jackass.
But really,it isa little self-centered to think people are always considering my every word and behavior.
The truth is,they probably dont care.
This was a great relief.
After all, when someone says something embarrassing to me, I dont skewer them for it.
I figure I misunderstood them or they didnt quite mean it the way they said it.
Or I laugh it off.
We all say stupid things occasionally, and most people realize that.
You should definitely think before opening your mouth, but overthinking after the fact can drive you nuts.
Obsessing over it only makes that feeling worse.
Accept the challenge, then take small steps
I started to recognize my shyness as a trigger.
When I felt it coming on, that was my cue to accept the challenge to be social.
This helped me focus my attention on it.
I tooksmall steps toward overcoming my shyness.
At my first post-college job, I worked in an office full of people.
I remember coming in every morning, and immediately feeling shy about walking into the room.
So I gave myself a challenge: I vowed to simply come in and say good morning each day.
After doing this for a while, it just became natural.
It wasnt intimidating anymore, and it helped me become more comfortable around my coworkers.
Sure, sometimes theyd reply, and Id freeze up.
Those are just a few, but there are so many other possibilities.
Force yourself to ask for directions.
Give someone a compliment.
After a while, these habits will become second nature.
For outgoing people, these challenges probably seem pretty odd.
Is it really that hard to say hows it going?
Thats the fun of being shy.
Take a class
My shyness is worse when others are especially outgoing.
For a shy person, this can make social interaction even more stressful.
Its not for everyone, but public speaking classes were immensely helpful for me.
In both, I learned to be comfortable with my voice.
It gave me a chance to practice speaking in a situation where others are forced to listen.
You have the breathing room and time it’s crucial that you be eloquent.
Learn why youre shy
Researchers at Indiana University Southeast also suggestlearning why youre shy.
InThe Fine Art of Small Talk,author Debra Fine makes a few useful suggestions.
At gatherings, I like to use herOccasion-Location Rule.
Fine writes:
The location and occasion of an event offer a wide variety of free information.
At a wedding: I
was the brides college roommate.
How do you know the couple?
At a seminar or convention, simply asking
What brought you to this event?
is an easy and unobtrusive way to start a conversation.
It may seem obvious, but when youre intimidated at a party, remembering this rule can be grounding.
She also suggests asking open-ended questions to get a conversation going.
Weve also covered theFORD technique for making small talk.
Think about a couple of questions in the following categoriesfamily, occupation, recreation and dreams.
Keep those questions on hand to start a lasting conversation with people you meet.
With a little practice, Ive gotten over my timidness, but not completely.
There are still plenty of times I recoil from the anticipation of interaction.
Ive accepted that Ill probably always bea littleshy about some things.
But then again, maybe we all are.
And thats OK. Its a gradual process.
Like most habits, it doesnt go away overnight.
This story was originally published on 3/19/15 and was updated on 10/22/19 to provide more thorough and current information.
