My wife is upstairs supervising bath time for Layla, our 9-year-old.
Each call was from my 80-year-old aunt.
Thank you for picking up.
So, wheres Layla?
I just wanted to touch base and see what was going on.
Im sorry to bother you.
Theres no emergency; there never is.
In fact, these calls, which happen multiple times each day, rarely exceed 20 seconds.
The second happens sometime after Ive finished washing dishes, but before Ella goes to bed.
The third comes some time shortly after.
And many caregivers fall into the role by default.
This is where I live; this is my normal.
Grappling with the new normal
My aunts decline took place over the course of about six weeks.
Why does Aunt Mar call all of the time, Layla asks.
Its a legitimate question from my nine-year-old daughter about the aunt who used to regularly care for her.
Now, Layla and I talk about how Aunt Mar is anxious and doesnt know how to control it.
Its also important to speak with a child at their level of understanding.
Or why Grandpa sleeps so much now or needs to be pushed in a wheelchair to get around.
Including your child in the caregiving may also help them understand what is going on.
Again, make it age-appropriate.
With Layla, my aunt might want to ask questions about what she is doing in school.
I find myself getting short; sometimes with her, other times with the kids.
The immediate reaction of guilt looms over me when this happens.
I reached out to my colleague Ruth Drew at theAlzheimers Associationfor some guidance.
She says losing patience is a sign of overspending emotional energy.
Its like the check engine light on your car, Drew says.
She says its also important to remain cognizant of how your reactions may impact your kids.
I wont get them back.
What do I want my child to remember about his childhood?
Its not magic, but just taking a moment to be present and intentional can help, Drew said.
Making a weekly appointment for lunch with an encouraging friend.
Getting up 30 minutes earlier for quiet meditation before the day starts.
Talking to a counselor and/or joining an online caregiver group.
Support is available, if you know where to look.
LocalArea Agencies on Agingcan provide referrals to support programs in their communities for age-related conditions.
Building boundaries
Work took me out of town for two days recently.
The request was crushing to her.
Boundaries are important, especially the invisible ones.
The compromise is that she cannot call us but we will call her.
Compromise and flexibility are as important as the boundary itself.
Again, its not the content of the call that mattered, but the contact.
This isnt to say there are not times when it becomes too much.
The Block this Caller feature on the iPhone has been deployed on ours in those instances.
