They may even mean welltrying to alert others to potential hardships.
Regardless of their level of self-awareness, being around a chronic complainer can be grating.
The truth is, chronic complainers are a whole different breed.
Guy Winch, Ph.D. atPsychology Todayexplains the differenceperfectly:
Optimists see
:
A glass half full
.
Why do these things always happen to me?!
Negative people in general arenotoriously difficult to deal with, but the chronic complainer requires a separate approach.
In fact, as Winch further explains,theydont even see themselves as negative people.
This section is about ways to get through the conversation at handwell cover the long term later on.
As irritating as it might be, do your best to show that youre actually hearing what theyre saying.
Sometimes a good venting session is enough for them to get it all out and move on.
They want to be heard andeven if it doesnt matterthey want to be treated like a real person.
You dont have to say a single thing that actually helps or goes against them.
Just listen, nod, and show that youre validating their issues.
Validation is the number-one priority, but once youve done that, its time to sympathize.
Its also imperative you avoid any kind of sarcasm.
Deflection is a way for you to respond to them without shutting them down or telling them theyre wrong.
If theyre complaining about a something else:Thats terrible.
I dont know how you deal with that.
When all else fails, give them a different kind of attention:Whats going well for you?
Similar to deflection is the method of redirection.
Gee, thats incredibly annoying!
Many chronic complainers will snap out of it and get back to what theyre doing.
They arent usually looking for advice despite the fact that they want to share their problems all the time.
If they ask for advice, its best to keep it short and sweet.
When you recognize a help-rejecting complainer,ask them how they intend to fix their problem.
Disagreement removes any sentiment of validation you may have been trying to convey and can lead to an argument.
Still, sometimes a chronic complainer isso completely out of boundsthat someone needs to blow the whistle.
If you want to be the brave one to do it, theres a safe-ish method you could use.
Chrissy Scivicque atForbesrecommendsasking this simple question:
Do you want my opinion?
Human nature makes most people inquisitive enough to say, Yes to this question.
And then, the person has given permission.
Theyre in control of the conversation.
They have asked to hear your thoughts on the subject.
Make it short and sweet: I hear what youre saying but I see it differently.
Now you’ve got the option to disagree without feeding the fire.
Theyve asked for your opinion and youve given them exactly what they asked for.
Express how you feel and stay true to it.
The chronic complainers are the only ones that have that power.
What you could control, however, is how you handle them over time.
Here are some ways to save some of your sanity and patience down the road.
Saying things like this shows the complainer that youre not taking their pain seriously.
In the same vein, you never want to suggest that theyre overreacting to whats troubling them.
Youll have a chronic complainer that also dislikes you, and that is not a good combination.
At the same time, joining in and complaining along with them isnt as helpful as it would seem.
Theyll think that their problem isnt just theirs to deal with and assume that someone else might fix it.
On top of that, youre encouraging them to continue complaining through your own example.
No throw in of complaining is the answer to complaining.
Ultimately, you are not responsible for the happiness or well being of others.
Dr. Rick Brinkman atSelf Growthsuggests youdraw the linewhen things go too far.
Then tell her that you will no longer listen to how bad things are.
Be sure to reward her change of behavior by thanking and appreciating her when she is positive.
Be strict while enforcing this change and keep a positive attitude.
Theyll know that youre not upset and they might see that their complaining really has gone too far.
Also, if you have the ability, avoid talking to known chronic complainers.
There is no reason for you to waste your time with someone who is constantly making you unhappy.
Seriously:do not engage.
This story was originally published on 12/8/14 and was updated on 10/8/19 to provide more thorough and current information.
Updated 3/4/22 with new information.
