On August 8th, President Trump promised to meet any threat with fire and fury.
On the 10th, the head of North Koreas strategic missile forces revealed a plan to attack Guam.
Such diplomacy, right?
We should all be so skilled.
and author ofNever Split The Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.
You want to make them actually know that youre listening.
Are youreally hearingwhat theyre saying?
Its super basic, but its the number-one rule, says Burcell.
No one was listening to anyone.
We dont want to reinforce their beliefs.
But [by paraphrasing], were not agreeing.
Its neither agreement or disagreement, its just a statement.
The other side feels heard, and you’re free to move forward.
The occasionalyeses,uh-huhs, andyoure rightslets them know youre listening and paying attention, says Burcell.
You seem angry is a way of affirming their feelings and expressing empathy.
But howyou make the observationthats the tricky part.Iis a self-focusing word.
Youseem angry [is better.
]Youchanges the focus of what the sentence is.
You seem afraid causes the person to think about it.DoI seem afraid?
Once you venture to get people to admit things, the dynamic changes.
Give them a chance to talk.
Use Flatterybut Judiciously
People hate flattery as a general rule, says Voss.
But it always workseven when weve just seen it used on other people.
My contention is that flattery is a form of empathy, of appreciation.
Voss calls this mercenary empathy.
Tell the Truth
Telling the truth can be insanely effective, says Voss.
By this he means making a statement that is emotionally neutral and simply states a fact.
It would have an impact on both sides and reframe the discussion.
(Writing for the internet has cured me of that.)
Burcell echoes this strategy: Pause and step back.
When things are heated, people say things they dont mean.
If you cant keep your cool, bring in a third party to mediate.
I was neutral in the homeowners meeting because I had no emotional investment.
It was easy for me to be calm.
If youre not, is there a neutral party?
Somebody needs to take a step back.
No matter how hard it istake a step back, count to ten.
Feel compelled to get one last parting shot?
Go back to step one.
