I dont understand why he doesnt just…learn!
My ex was talking about our 13-year-old son, and I completely empathized with his frustration.
And, for that matter, why dont the positive reinforcements cause more repetition of good behavior?
Much of the discipline we provide our children has to do with external motivation.
The technical term for this is extrinsic motivation.
The kind of motivation I want to dominate my kids decision-making isintrinsicmotivation.
Intrinsic motivation comes from within, and its not about seeking a reward in exchange for a certain behavior.
The behavior itself is the reward.
Intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivation
Consider your childs motivation for getting good grades.
That doesnt mean parents should ditchallrewards.
Again, that doesnt mean rewards are always bad.
This can reduce the intrinsic motivation by making what previously felt like play suddenly feel more like work.
Calling a kid talented or smart is an extrinsic motivatorthe reward is the implied favorable comparison with others.
Kids who are taught to value effort over results are more likely to keep trying when faced with challenges.
Model your own intrinsic motivation
A good work ethic is intrinsically motivated.
Being on time because it feels good to consider others is intrinsically motivated.
Partaking in a hobby you love is intrinsically motivated.
double-check your kids see these things.
We can show our kids through our own behavior the satisfaction that comes from intrinsic motivation.
Talk about it.
A lot
Rewards and consequences are important tools to help guide our children toward appropriate behavior and self-sufficiency.
But along with that, we have to explainwhythose consequences are in place.
It requires more consideration.
Kids who are taught to value effort over results are more likely to keep trying when faced with challenges.
When my sons dad was talking out his frustrations, I empathized with him.
Discipline can be redundant and thankless.
Thats because, over the years, weve modeled that behavior and talked about why its important.
Its not about him keeping his phone in his possession.
Its about being a good human.
So, yes, we take his phone away when he cant get his attitude under control.
And he doesnt get a reward from that, other than his own sense of self-respect.
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