When Lisa* met Adam* in graduate school, she thought shed hit the dating jackpot.
He was very wealthy, very charismatic, and at first he was very charming, she says.
He was constantly showering me with gifts, fancy dinners, and romanic nights out.
He was playing by this 1950s courtship rulebook.
But over time, Lisa says, Adam became condescending, controlling, and cruel.
He criticized her working-class background and tried to mold her in his image.
He learned her insecurities and trigger points and used them against her.
He made her write him an apology letter every time they had an argument.
Ultimately, he became physically and sexually abusive.
It took Lisa years to escape him.
I was in my mid-20s, a hopeless romantic, painfully insecure, she says.
Here was a guy who was charming and handsome and going to help me fit in.
I was so eager to like.
But someone with NPD is more than just self-interested and self-obsessed.
In adulthood, they overvalue achievement, they do not understand love, they have low emotional empathy.
They miss out on numerous developmental milestones, she says.
They do not form a secure sense of identity and self-esteem.
They do not develop a complex, mature sense of their own universe or the emotional lives of others.
Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is more than just self-interested and self-obsessed.
People with NPD are not able toseeother people, which means they do not make for good romantic partners.
Many can become abusive, emotionally or otherwise.
Here are some signs to help you out.
Theyll make you feel wonderful, special, and, ironically,seenright off the bat.
They tend to idealize a potential partner or love interest, Hall says.
Narcissists may also take a stab at alter themselves in an effort to mirror your personality.
But once you get deeper into the relationship, a switch gets flipped.
But with a narcissist, theres no substitute.
You flip into all bad, Greenberg says.
Thats when they start their construction project.
And since everybody has holes, that mission is doomed from the start.
Youre like a building under construction to them, Greenberg says.
They feel like the Prince inCinderella.
Lisa experienced this with Adam.
He knew my background and upbringing and gave me tips on how to hide it, she says.
I was this blank slate that he was just going to make his masterpiece.
People with NPD are no exception.
They often feel entitled to violate boundaries most of us accept and abide by, Hall says.
Things that are really premature before youve had a chance to get there.
Hall says narcissists just feel entitled in general.
They cant abide by the golden rule of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
A narcissist walks around with very unreasonable expectations, Hall says.
They feel entitled to get things other people shouldnt get.
Narcissists can have big May I speak to the manager?
They might mock or criticize other people behind their backs.
They may be rude to or yell at servers.
And they walk around believing and/or telling people theyre better than everyone else.
Lisa says that Adam, for instance, would wear a necklace with a formula engraved on a tag.
He claimed he invented it, and that it was the formula for the universe.
He said, I solved the universe.
And when someone questions my power, I just remember Im more powerful than them, Lisa says.
Narcissists can have big May I speak to the manager?
They dont hold back in a fight
Its healthy for couples to argue sometimes.
Object constancy is what keeps people from abusing their mates, she says.
People with object constancy can remember that they love you even when theyre mad at you.
But narcissists cant always do that.
They can say vile things to you.
They also tend have extreme emotional reactions.
So if your partner is frequently hurtful, even over minor infractions, thats a red big flag.
Theyre unable to look at things from an emotional perspective beyond themselves.
If they do apologize, it can be more of an insult in of itself.
Sometimes narcissists throw out faux apologies with the narrative that youre really too sensitive, Hall says.
Theyre unable to see things from your point of view, or validate your feelings as being legitimate.
To protect their fragile egos, they are good, which means the ex must be bad.
They often have a really negative assessment of previous relationships, Hall says.
They pathologize and villainize their exes.
The other person is a jerk, an asshole, a disappointment.
Basically, they dont learn from relationships, and theyre constantly externalizing anything negative.
Its hard to tell if someone is gaslighting youthe very nature of gaslighting, i.e.
But if you start to sense that your partner is manipulating you, get the hell out.
Narcissists delight in manipulating people.
Lisa says Adam would frequently gaslight her.
In the car ride home, I would say something and he would freak the fuck out.
*Names have been changed to protect privacy.
