Like most kids who are five, Jia Jiangs son Brian hears no often.
Or at least thats what his dad is training him to do.
Jiang is known as the rejection guy.
Jiang has some ideas.
In upper middle-class families, our goal is to make our kids feel good, he says.
We want them to feel happy.
That is important, but what Ive found I need to do is expand their comfort level.
I need to tell them that its okay to get a no.
Actually, Ill say, Why dont you go out and keep trying to get nos?
I wish I had done this myself when I was 8 instead of when I was 30.
I dont want to hear you argue, Jiang says.
I say, No.
But give me an alternative proposal.
With his 5-year-old son Brian, negotiations happen all the time.
The guy is a little monster, Jiang says with a laugh.
In his mind, its always, How can I get a yes?
Jiang says he wants the kid to have more fruit, so he accepted the proposal.
Of course, no is often the final answer, and thats fine, too.
Sometimes, no matter what he says, Im not going to say yes, Jiang says.
We should give people the freedom to reject us if they need to.
When were less attached to the results, it allows us to focus on our own efforts.
Parents can help their kids exercise their courage muscle by having them ask for what they want.
When Brian said yes, Jiang said, Why dont you ask the pilot to show you?
And so he did.
The pilot was like, yeah, come on in!
It was pretty cool.
Its not about praising the fact that they got somethingits about praising their behavior.
You dont say, Hey, great job getting that candy.
Instead, you’re able to say, I liked the way you asked.
Help kids learn how to jump in and help:Can I help you carry your bags?
Can I buy you a cup of coffee?
If they say no, thats okay.
Kids understand the depths of rejection early on.
The pain followed him throughout his life.
He learned to be grateful that people would consider his offer, and that helped him push forward.
As parents, we can teach our kids that a no is not the end.
