The first one is that the spark cant grow over time.
You either have it or you dont.
And the research shows that thats absolutely not true.
A lot of successful happy couples say that they didnt feel love at first sight.
Only 11 percent of people say that that happened to them.
And thats definitely not true.
Some people are just really sparky.
They just give that pang of excitement to a lot of people.
And maybe this is because theyre really attractive, maybe because its very charming.
We also see that its sometimes because theyre narcissistic and theyre very focused on making someone like them.
And the research on attachment theory shows that sometimes people confuse anxiety for chemistry.
And so whats actually going on is youre like, will he call me back?
And that feeling of excitement is really not something you should be optimizing for.
This is clearly my soulmate.
But who cares how you met?
And so my advice in the book is to fuck the spark and instead go for the slow burn.
And those are the people who get better over time.
And in their mind, Oh, I want to get to know someone first.
Its a safety thing.
I want to warm up.
But its a mistake.
I say, Oh, I bet she likes the same music that I do.
And then, as they say in the movie
Clueless
up close, its a big old mess.
And so you create this fantasy in your mind from far away.
And so what ends up happening is, OK, so Ive matched with Alice.
Ive created this fantasy of her in my mind.
And then I meet her and Alice is great and we would be a good match.
But because I have a fantasy of her that she doesnt meet, Im now disappointed.
You should get to the date as soon as possible.
To hear more of Logans tips on dating, we highly recommend listening to the full episode.
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