In the game of adulting, a herd accompanies you past the milestones.
As you approach middle age, the milestones become less celebratory.
For this milestone, I was a reluctant advance scout, far ahead of the herd.
My mom died seven years ago, when I was 32.
Ive written aboutthe peculiar feelingof becoming a newly orphaned adult.
Here, Ill share some thoughts about how to be a good parent as youre losing yours.
Be Direct
This is no time for euphemism.
If your father is in hospice care, hes not feeling a little sick.
When your mom flatlines, she is not sleeping.
Your dad is dying.
Your mom is dead.
Its brutal, but its the truth.
Your kids need the opportunity to say goodbye, just as you do.
If you hedge reality, the gravity of the situation will escape them.
Kids learn the reality you define, and youll only blur it if you speak in clumsy metaphors.
A side effect of euphemism is anxiety.
The kiddos may become scared of going to bed or getting a cold.
Show What You Feel
Cry.
Your mother will never kiss your cheek again.
Your fathers quest for the cheapest gasoline has ceased.
Hell never share another update on that subject.
Your feelings will be messy and contradictory.
Dont take a stab at make sense of things right away.
And dont hide the mess from your kids.
If theyre young, they wont understand what happened to Grandma.
Its more than hugs and smilesits also wailing and tears.
Your kids dont need to see you drunk or punching the drywall.
Theres a difference between being vulnerable and being scary.
Go ahead and climb all the way into despair.
Devour an entire Ben & Jerrys store, puke whiskey and Taco Bell, sleep for 20 hourswhatever.
Just verify your kids are enjoying a sleepover with their cousins while you come unglued.
Telling family stories provides a sense of connection to the past.
I didnt do so well with this, initially.
That encouraged my daughter to tell her own stories.
Remember, you and your children are mourning two versions of the same person.
Keep the Routine
Youll want to sit very still in a dark house.
But soccer practice will beckon and a Girl Scout meeting will loom.
The pantry will empty and Target will stand ready and eager to welcome you.
A life has stopped.
Your life is on pause.
But life in general goes on.
My mom died early in the morning on October 29th.
I was with her in the hospital room.
My daughter was only three, and she wanted to dress up and see her friends costumes.
She was sad, but she was also ascandy crazy as Garfield.
I dont remember much about that evening.
I was still in shock.
But it was nice to take a break from crying.
It was nice to watch my kid squeal with delight at spooky decorations.
It was nice to eat my feelings in the form of fun-sized Snickers.
Look Outside Yourself
Its likely that you wont be able to navigate this alone.
You may be capable, ambitious, resilient and still entirely unmoored.
Look for the helpers, as Mr. Rogers used to say.
There aredozens of kids books about death.
It remains on a bookshelf across the room, waiting for the next unlucky grandparent to die.
Your child might have no words to express his grief.
But maybe he can draw pictures or create videos on your phone.
A professional will have the instincts to explore those alternative methods of communication.
Say What You Believe
No one knows what happens after the final heartbeat.
If youre not down with angels or ghosts dont pretend otherwise.
Older kids will see right through such hypocrisy, and theyll judge you harshly for it.
Its okay to say you dont know what happens after we die.
Its also okay to create your own mythology.
Thats what its like when I feel my mom with me.
Is it a trick of my creative nature?
Is it a touch from an astral being?
I dont need an answer.
Either way, I know theres some part of her thats still around.
