By lie I mean buy some food you did not make and pretend you did.
This isnt honest, or righteous, or even very easy, but it can be done.
Sometimes evil is justified, and other times, knowing evil means knowing how to beat it.
Check out our evil week tag page.
Choose Your Deception Wisely
you better be real with yourself.
Choose something that is believably in your wheelhouse.
If youre bringing a side dish, pick something that doesnt have a definite form.
To pull off a whole dinner party, keep the menu small.
Get one main, one side, one salad, and one dessert.
Amys Mushroom Risotto: Get a bunch of individual ones.
Pasta from any take-out place, maybe one from the next town over.
Hearty soups and stews: Just throw em in a pot!
Ribs from Costco: Wrap them in foil and heat them up in the oven.
Deli counter salads, such as potato or broccoli.
All you have to do is pop them in the oven for fifteen minutes andBAMfresh baked bread.
Pre-roasted vegetables from the deli: Potatoes are a great option.
Desserts:
Simple Bundt cakes: Go for frosted, not ganache.
Pre-made cookie dough: double-check it the kind you scoop; stay away from slice and bake.
Simple cupcakes: Dont pick anything filled and stick to basic flavors.
Stay away from:
Recognizable or signature items.
If youre going to buy your dessert at Trader Joes, dont buy the cookie butter cheesecake.
Everyone can spot a frozen pizza and no one is going to believe its homemade.
I wouldnt take a stab at pass any pizza off as homemade, actually.
That guy always knows his shit, too.
Hes kind of a psycho.
Kraft macaroni and cheese.
The Dayglo orange sauce is a dead giveaway.
Theyre too easy to spot.
Pies: The crusts are almost always too perfect, and the fillings and decorations are too neat.
There are three main ways to avoid being found out at this stage.
Pop frozen lasagnas out of their trays and transfer to a glass baking dish.
For salads, just dump them in a bowl and mix it around.
Serve in a pretty dish.
Put Stuff On Top
Herbs, cheese, and citrus zest are your friends here.
Put extra cheese on anything with cheese.
Mess It Up a Little
Perfection is your enemy,especiallywith baked goods.
To set a convincing scene, throw a couple of dishes in the sink.
Have a couple of things still cooking in the oven (this will also create some convincing aromas).
Just double-check to get rid of any boxes and packaging that would give you away.
And I mean get rid of themcompletely.
Take them out to the dumpster (or your neighbors dumpster, preferably).
For credibility, have at least one thing that you admit to being store bought.
Apologize profusely for that thing.
Also, if you go the lasagna route, dont say you made the noodles.
(Dont use this exact story though, as there are many holes, historically speaking.)
Finally, have a story prepared.
If you bring a cake, know alittlesomething about how it would be baked, hypothetically.
Do just a little bit of research so that you dont get caught.
A simple slip up like This risotto took me no time at all!
can bring your whole charade crashing to the ground.
You fooled themall, and it was totally worth it.
Illustration by Sam Woolley, photos by Claire Lower.
