But maybe all it takes is paying a bit more attention to what theGottman Institutecalls bids for connection.
The phrasebids for connectionwas coined by Drs.
John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute, which takes a science- and research-based approach to relationship counseling.
Essentially, they are requests to connect and can be communicated verbally, physically, or sexually.
Bids strengthen the relationship by adding value that builds over time.
Each time you turn away, however, you essentially make a withdrawal.
Turning away from your partners bids creates distance and disconnection, she says.
This is incredibly damaging to the health of the relationship.
Maybe from your perspective the funny GIF is no big deal.
However, the funny GIF is actually your partner sending you a bid to connect.
You might think, But Im busy!
I cant respond to every GIF!
The act of turning toward your partners bids builds a foundation of trust, emotional connection, and satisfaction.
Asking open ended questions helps facilitate the bid sequence.
Showing interest and keeping the conversation going is key.
Reflect on different parts of what they tell you and ask questions to further the conversation.
Similarly, when sharing your day, your partner might also talk about their own.
If they had a hard day, ask them why and how they are feeling.
Ask them how you’ve got the option to help them feel better.
Turning away:One-word answers like, Fine, Good, OK, or not elaborating in general.
Turning toward them means that you show interest and ask questions.
Turning towards:Are you OK?
Whats on your mind?
Do you want to share with me whats going on?
That doesnt sound good.
Tell me about it.
Turning away:Rolling your eyes and asking, Whats wrong now?
Your response will influence your partners feelings at that moment.
Your response may leave them feeling connected or rejected.
Turning towards:Receive their hug and/or give some other means of physical contact.
Maybe kiss them or snuggle them.
Be fully present with them as you hold them, even if its just for a moment or two.
Turning away:Shrug off the hug.
Tell them, Im not in the mood.
An example Phillips shares involves you and your partner are both getting ready for bed.
Youre standing at the sink brushing your teeth when your partner emerges from the shower.
Turning towards:You make flirty eye contact with them back.
You might even affectionately give their arm a squeeze or pat their buttocks.
You could say, Youre so hot/beautiful/handsome.
If youre in the mood for sex, you might even kiss them and let them know.
If not, even shooting a flirty smile is a great way to connect.
Turning away:You avoid their eye contact and/or disregard it and simply carry on with what youre doing.
Turning towards:Instead of trying to calm your partner down, you validate their frustration, Phillips says.
That may look like ribbing on your partners boss together or the unreasonable customer they had to deal with.
Empathizing and laughing with your partner will help them feel safe enough to share their feelings with you.
And it will make them feel better and less alone in a frustrating situation.
Giving them unsolicited advice.
Or simply nodding your head and saying, Mmmhmm, that sucks as you look at your phone.
Every day that you spend with your partner includes bids for connection, Phillips says.
