Youve got problems, Ive got advice.
This advice isnt sugar-coatedin fact, its sugar-free, and may even be a little bitter.
Welcome to Tough Love.
I simply want to give you the tools you oughta enrich your damn lives.
If for whatever reason you dont like my advice, feel free tofile a formal complaint here.
Now then, lets get on with it.
Hi Patrick,
I had a roommate in my hometown maybe 10 years ago.
It didnt end well.
Maybe a year after the fact, we settled things and became friends again.
Fast forward and Ive been living in my new city for 5+ years.
Still, she loved this city so much she decided to move here.
I told her no, Im not comfortable with guests at my place.
The night before she gets here, she tells me her Airbnb fell through and asked againI said no.
Im constantly having to say no to protect my boundaries and its exhausting and extremely anxiety-inducing.
She doesnt have activities other than going out and drinking.
Almost every other day shell text,
Hey lady!
Let me know if you want to hang out sometime soon/this week/etc!
I have my own circle of friends and I dont really want her in that circle of friends.
Maybe that sounds selfish?
I no longer hang out at bars all the damn time.
I dont want to completely cut her out, because I do genuinely like hanging out with her.
But I have to really be up for it, and Im usually not.
I kind of feel bad that shes lonely, but I never promised anything to her.
How do I move forward with this?
At most, they are a drinking buddy you were trapped in an apartment with.
A drinking buddy:
Is always saying stuff like, Lets hang out!
but when you ask what they have in mind they always say Lets grab drinks somewhere!
If you suggest something else, they always find a way to make drinking part of the plan.
Is only fun to be around when youve been drinking yourself.
Shouts stuff like Norm!
when you walk into the bar they frequent, even if thats not your name.
Drinking buddy relationships are different than actual friendships because youdont actually like each other all that much.
When you become friends, its really just a matter of mutual intoxication, then things bloom from there.
You dont want to totally cut her out, but it’s crucial that you.
For yourself and for her.
And it needs to be a clean cut.
When she texts you to hang out, just keep saying No thanks!
until she gets the hint.
You dont have to feel bad about not doing something you dont want to do, Not-a-Dick.
Ive been married to my husband for almost 7 years.
Ive been by his side through his entire Navy career.
All the deployments and outings, they were rough but we got through it.
We connect like were the same person, just different genders.
Its amazing and he is my best friend.
He is the only guy Ive ever 100% trusted.
He was never going to tell me, either.
I heard it through the grapevine and asked him about it, then he confessed.
I decided to forgive him, or attempt to forgive him, rather.
But its harder than I could ever imagine.
He is the last person I ever thought would hurt me.
So, should I just run away?
Should I stick it out and have a go at fix this?
Do you think Ill ever be able to just let it go and be intimate with him again?
Thank you for your advice!
Confused Wifey
Hey Confused Wifey:
A sage Pinterester once told me that trust is like a glass.
Once broken, it shatters into a million pieces.
Dont run away, Confused Wifey.
Life is difficult and messy, but dont let it overpower you.
What your husband did is hurtful and inexcusable, without a doubt.
Things were perfect before, and now theyre not.
This is how real-life stories unfold.
There is no magic, there is no happily ever after; there is just love.
You get to decide if the love is still there.
You get to decide if the story continues.
So I think you should fight, Confused Wifey.
She recommends you get the facts straight about the infidelity first (without the gory details).
Was this a one-time thing?
Was this purely physical?
Did it just happen or did he seek it out?
Motivations are important.Knowing these kinds of thingsmay help you make your decision.
Give yourself time to take care of yourself.
It sounds like youve been doing that, but keep doing that if you oughta.
Also, check that he knows how bad this is.
Your sex life will be different for a long while.
Go slow, take your time, and if you have to stop, stop.
Eventually, Confused Wifey, youwillhave tocompletely forgive himif you want to move past this.
If you cant see yourself doing thatever, that may be all she wrote.
But dont jump the gun on that conclusion.
And lastly,go to couples counseling.
I highly recommend sitting down with a professional to help you both work through this.
Ideally this would be my dream job, but the benefits just suck.
When I took the job I got entry-level pay due to my lack of experience with .com.
I feel like I am ready to graduate from entry level pay to at least mid level.
But then again I didnt take this job for the money.
I just assumed that the money would follow.
Is it okay to ask for this after only 6 months?
What would be an acceptable figure to ask for?
I crunched some numbers and think that even something like $6,000/year increase would make me happy.
But lets get the facts straight for everybody else, shall we?
Youre basically working your dream job right out of college.
Or maybe still in college cause of the my major was/is comment?
Youre getting entry level pay for, well,being at entry level.
You have no experience in this field.
Youve been told your position and salary will grow.
Youve only been there for six months.
You dont have any student loans or debt.
Your uncle gave you the job.
Yes,he did.
I know youre arguing with me in your head right now, but he did.
Youre aware they dont have the money to give you.
And you admit you didnt take the job for the money, but for the experience.
You see all that, right?
WftW, you assumed the money would follow, and it hasnt.
But it still mightyou just need to be patient.
Shit dude, its only been half a year!
Youre only a few months out of the lets see how he does phase.
But you cannot ask for a raise right now, WftW.
There is absolutely no way for you to ask for a raise without sounding entitled.
Honestly, you already sound entitled bringing it up.
That said, at the one-year mark,its reasonable to knock on your bosss door.
But when you bring it up,you gotta back it up.
Your uncle is a hard worker; show him you are too.
And let them know they cant fool you by lowballing your pay.
Remember,they arent your friend.
But since its your uncle, take him for all hes got and squeeze out 10%.
Update: Had the wrong raise averages and numbers in there.
Fixed it in the text above.
