Unfortunately, most of us arent very skillful at turning our partners down.
Even in the best of circumstances, getting turned down for sex stings.
In a long-term relationship, getting turned down repeatedly can eventually lead to resentment.
In some relationships, the resentment can grow to the point where it starts to destroy the relationship.
The stakes are high.
So its important for us to get it right.
Acknowledge Their Initiation
Initiating sex always makes one feel vulnerable.
Youre putting yourself out there and asking for what you want.
Youre also putting yourself in the position of being turned down.
When your partner initiates, take a moment to acknowledge the invitation.
Dont ignore their invitation or pretend you didnt hear them.
Just say something simple like, I appreciate you asking or Im flattered that you want me right now.
Then proceed to some of the other steps Ive outlined below.
Try your hardest not to blurt, You want to have sex NOW?
Not only will your partner feel rejected, theyll also get a nice side serving of humiliation.
Or, Am I open to connecting with my partner right now?
These questions make it clear that you dont need to be turned on right in that moment.
You just have to be open to the possibility of it
Give yourself more time.
Say, Give me ten minutes to finish up this email.
Once Ive got this off my mind, Ill be able to see if Im up for it.
If youre not sure, thats not a problem.
you’re able to always tell your partner, Im not sure how Im feeling.
Im down to start making out and see where it goes.
If you dont end up getting turned on, you dont have to keep going.
They do the same things over and over again.
(This is a great reason to shake things up in the bedroom, but thats another article.)
Lets say you and your partner typically default to intercourse.
Its your bodyyou get to decide what you want to do with it.
Ill talk about this more in a moment.
Youre not turning down your partner.
If your partner seems bummed, you’re able to even make the distinction clear.
Say, Im turning down sex right now, but Im not turning down you.
I dont want you to feel like youre trying to have sex with someone who isnt there.
Share that insight with your partner.
Or, Ive realized that energy plays a big role for me.
By the time we get to the end of the night, Im just too tired for sex.
That partner usually winds up doing the majority of the initiating.
It can be really helpful for the two of you to acknowledge that imbalance.
Say something like, I realize that youre the one who usually does the initiating.
I imagine that can be pretty challenging for you.
That simple sentence can go a long way.
If you dont tend to initiate very often, make a run at challenge yourself to initiate more frequently.
Being in the position of being turned down gives you more empathy for what the experience is like.
Theres no getting around it: this ishardwork.
Youre not always going to get it right, but the point is to keep trying.
This is the kind of effort that truly defines a relationship.
