This is true if you knew the person theyve lost; this is also true if you didnt.
But you do not want to feel ignored or alone.
I dont think it can happen too often, Soos says.
Heres how to do it.
If you are a millennial and its a peer, a text message is fine, Soos says.
Basically, doing something is better than doing nothing, but everyone likes a card.
Its perfectly fine to admit that in your letter.
The right thing to say, in my opinion, is just the truth, Soos says.
I dont know what to say but Im sad for you.
I dont know what to say, but I care for you.
But you do not want to feel ignored or alone.
It seems very vulnerable to say, I dont know what to say, Soos says.
We worry it will be awkward or offensive or upsetting to a person.
But the truthful thing is, we dont know what to say.
So, feel free to stick to platitudes, as long as theyre truthful.
Marilyn Mendoza, a psychologist in New Orleans, says.
Or, Im thinking about you and sending you love.
Or, No words can describe how sorry I am for your loss.
My heart goes out to you.
As Soos puts it, What you are really trying to communicate is, I am here for you.
The note should be for the bereaved, Mendoza says.
Dont include stuff about yourself, like I just got a new job or heres my new address.
You know how you felt about it, Mendoza says.
Its also not helpful to offer advice.
Nobody really wants advice, Soos says.
It makes some subtle judgment that theres a right or wrong way to grieve.
And if you were thinking of using the words at least at any point, dont.
Youre about to justify why it shouldnt be painful, which is invalidating.
If you dont know the person, commenting about them might not be the best thing, Mendoza says.
Sometimes its not a very special relationship.
You also might want to include the deceaseds name.
So you might say something like, I know David was a special person for you.
I have a really good friend and one of her closest friends died recently, Soos said.
I didnt ask, I just showed up at her house and brought dinner.
Thats the time that most people need more support and encouragement.
Dont feel like youre forcing someone to rehash unpleasantness, or reminding them of something they want to forget.
What they really want, is not to be forgotten.
