Your partner drops the ball and forgets to pay rent on time.
Youre hit with a late fee.
The practical thing to do?
Come up with a solution so it doesnt happen again.
But youre angry, so instead, you criticize your partner, and a fight erupts.
Criticizing is one of seven common habits that can destroy healthy communication.
We all know how important communication is to just about any relationship.
Unfortunately, it doesnt always come easy.
PsychiatristWilliam Glassercame up with the concept of the seven deadly habits of communication.
In an abusive relationship, the priority is safety, not communication, so these solutions wont apply.
Pointless Criticism
People criticize for a lot of different reasons.
Maybe you want to help your employee better manage a project.
Maybe a friend keeps making bad relationship choices, and you feel the need to let her know.
Those examples more or less come from a positive, constructive place, and thats okay.
In those cases, its less about criticizing andmore about offering constructive feedback.
Often we just dont like someone, and want to get at them, attack them.
Criticism in this case is destructive.
To vent our frustrations
.
To boost our ego.
In fact,supportandencouragementare two caring habits Glasser listed for more effective communication.
But as far as an open dialogue is concerned, pointing fingers does little good.
Its understandable that you want to express your dissatisfaction with something.
And sometimes youneedto express it order to find a solution, but thats not quite blame.
Are these due dates working for you?
Blame would be something like, You missed this deadline and now we all missed our deadlines.
The first example isfocused on a solutionand gives the employer an option to do better next time.
The second is just a dead end.
Aside from apologizing, what does someone say to that?
Ineffective Complaining
I hate to admit it, but I complain a lot.
And it can take a toll on the person listening.
Finally, he said, Okay, I cant take anymore.
Youve been non-stop venting since you got home.
(Venting is my key word for complaining).
Hed disconnected from the conversation because, well, there wasnt really a conversation to be had.
It was just me hating everything.
But Im not complaining aboutyou, I argued.
I know, he said, But still.
Complaining is exhausting because it puts pressure on the other person.
Whatever the outcome, it puts distance between us and those we love.
At some point, the listener disconnects from you.
Vague, general complaints usually refer to problems that have no solution, like the weather.
Are your complaints the same ones over and over?
This strategy prevents a person from fully experiencing the positive aspects a situation might offer.
As she points out, everyone complains, and sometimes it serves a purpose.
But when it comes to communicating, nothing can shut down a conversation like pointless, going-nowhere complaining.
Nagging
Nagging is persistently bothering someone to do something you want them to do.
By definition, its a communication breakdown.
This pattern is self-perpetuating, with each person repeatedly reacting to the others behavior in virtually the same way.
No one likes being nagged, and no one likes nagging, yet its a fairly common relationship problem.
So how do you stop nagging and start communicating more effectively?
Weve discussedhow to break this pattern with your children.
This breaks the cycle of nag > resist > nag.
The other party has agreed to do something, and youve agreed to stop talking about it.
Its a one-way street.
As Schenck puts it, when we threaten someone, we become a source of fear and control.
That doesnt exactly lend itself to great communication.
This is why ultimatums suck.
But many times, people use an ultimatum asa threat so you can manipulate others.
Weve pointed outbefore why threatening doesnt work, even with parenting.
First, you teach your kids to use ultimatums or brute force to get what they want.
Second, they might call your bluff.
And perhaps most importantly, youre damaging your connection with your child.
Glasser pointed to trust and respect as a more caring response.
When you trust someone, you dont feel the need to control them.
For example:
- THREAT
Brush your teeth, or theyll turn green and fall out of your mouth.
- Revision
If you dont brush your teeth, theyll get this weird orange film on them.
Look at your little brothers teeth.
See that stuff on them?
This works with relationships, too.
Instead of threatening your partner if they dont do something, open up about why your request is important.
Punishing
Threatening goes hand in hand with punishment: its about controlling someones behavior through negative reinforcement.
Manipulation and control dont pave a great path for communication.
Communication is a two-way street, and control is only about one person.
Instead, Glasser promoted respect.
On the other hand, when it comes to parenting, you do have to discipline your kids sometimes.
However, effective disciplineis not about punishment, its about teaching.
In fact, the word discipline actually comes from the Latin word disciplinare, which means, to teach.
Effective discipline is never about punishment, but about guiding and managing your childs behavior.
With discipline, the punishment serves a purpose.
Of course, discipline applies for parenting, but friendships and relationships are a little different.
Discipline isnt involved, because there should be equal footing.
Bribing
Bribery works in the same way.
Its nicer, but its still focused on controlits just a little more manipulative about it.
A reward is applause for a job well done and can help encourage future good behavior.
Like a lot of these habits, its all about the intention.
With a reward, youre communicating to your child what desireable behavior is.
You lose the connection.
Instead of bribery, Glasser said negotiating a compromise is better for communication.
In general, these habits dont exhibit empathy.
And when you think about it,empathy is really whats necessaryfor great communication.
Illustration by Tina Mailhot-Roberge.
