There are three ways to have a good birthday:

Dont invite people you dont like.

Have your favorite dessert whether or not its cake.

Dont sing Happy Birthday to You.

The Agony of Happy Birthday to You

Singing Happy Birthdayfeelsbad.

The notes feel awkward, the pace feels awkward, the whole situation feels awkward.

Someone brings out the cake.

Now everyone has joined in.

From here, everyone else will slow down to match the schmuck who came in last.

Everyone completes the word happy, but not all at once, because theyre still syncing up.

About now, the birthday person starts getting in her head.

Where should she look?

Is she grinning enough?

Why isnt this song over yet?

The first line is finally over.

The birthday person has settled for making brief, almost apologetic, eye contact with each guest.

Another scramble to set the tempo, as we climb up the third line.

The birthday person is choosing where to look when her name is sung, and every option is terrifying.

Everyone slows down for the exciting bithey you, thats your name were singing!

Your name is in a song!

Or at least they should hit hard.

God help you if your name comes out quieter than the rest of the song.

0:18-?:??.

I asked composer and musician Jason Oberholtzer to name the reason.

Turns out there are SEVERAL REASONS.

And it doesnt improve.

The melody proportions are all over the place.

The climax is just hurled (in the form of an octave) into the third phrase.

The melody doesnt fit the lyrics, emphasizing different parts of the same line each time.

It leaps up for unimportant words: happy birthday TO you.

Were on a mechanical bull of importance, and nobody knows how to phrase the lines.

But that wouldnt fix it.

We land on the most simple, common conclusion ever and are just…done.

Oberholtzer points out that unlike happy BIRTHday, good MORning follows a common speech pattern.

Properly phrased, its a playful bit of writing, very appropriate for children and mornings.

Weve ruined a perfectly good, graceful morning song by trying to turn it into screaming party song.

But most of you degenerates probably enjoy this experience, so choose whatever song you want.

Our sister site Splinter hasa solid list of alternative songs.

Or just sing some non-birthday song together.

Just some song that you like.

Pull up a karaoke track on YouTube and go for it.

Compared to Happy Birthday to You, even Bohemian Rhapsody goes by quickly.

And hey, if you want to sing Happy Birthday to You because its tradition, fine.

But dont pretend you actually like it.