Have you ever sought advice and only gotten sympathy?
In all these cases, the problem is that you havent agreed on theframeof the conversation.
This is such a broad problem that analyzing it takes some very abstract language.
(Even if the frame is fill the silence until the elevator reaches your stop.)
You and your co-workers are complaining about management.
Youre watching a play, so you accept your role as silent audience.
Just because youre both using the same frame doesnt mean the interaction is pleasant.
Youre trading snide remarks with your work nemesis.
You and your airplane seat partner are fighting over the armrest.
You understand what the other person is trying to doyoure just trying to do it harder.
You want to catch up with a friend, but he wants to prove hes more accomplished than you.
You want to express an idea, but an internet commenter wants to nitpick your grammar.
You want to explain your presidential legislative agenda, but your opponent wants to score cheap points.
The conversation cant go in a productive direction until everyone gets into the same frame.
Neither I nor Raemon have a quick fix for this.
But pay attention when you or your conversational partner seem frustrated or like youre wasting time.
And pay attention to relationships that are feeling less and less fulfilling.
You also need to recognize whether all conversational partners are coming to this conversation in good faith.
Ideally, everyone wants to be in the same frame.
Youre generally on the same team and you have some common goals.
It especially helps to find an external set of rules that neither of you invented.
If the frames slip out of alignment, you’ve got the option to appeal to that authority.
But sometimes your partner doesnt care if you match their frame.
The whole conversation is a solo exercise that you happen to be present for.
Sometimes you realizeyourethe one who doesnt care about matching frames.
Bad-faith frames are less effective when theyre explicitly acknowledged.
To figure out why you feel like youre beating your head against a wall.
Because no ones a wall.
Youre just two people bashing your heads into each other.
Which, in my experience, is rarely an ideal interaction.
