Do you know what your teenager is thinking, feeling, or doing most of the time?
The goal is a growth mindset rather than becoming an expert, parenting coachJim Whitesaid.
There he includes 9 ways to connect with your teenager.
We asked him to name one thing a parent could do daily to build connection.
His answer: Be playful.
Did you think there was no need to play with your kids past elementary age?
But neither of you is too old to play.
White suggested these ideas for daily playfulness:
Have a joke of the day.
Learn to play one of their video games.
Play catch in the backyard or do some other outdoor activity.
If they are interested in learning to play the guitar or pick up another skill, take lessons together.
Share funny family stories.
Watch funny YouTube and TikTok videos together.
If it doesnt come naturally to validate your teens feelings, all you need is practice.
Try phases like this:
I understand why you feel that way.
It makes sense that you are angry/sad/disappointed.
You are having a totally normal reaction to the situation.
Be curious about your kid
Of course, we want to know every detail of their day.
Havent we been asking How was school?
every day since the first day of pre-K?
Try asking something a little more specific like, Whats the funniest/weirdest/wildest thing that happened at school today?
If they are still reticent, dont push.
Sign off with something positive, and youve left the door open for them to share when theyre ready.
The solution is to shift your focus from results to process, White wrote.
Ask questions that challenge them to think and share their perspective.
Teen brains are very busy and take time to process.
When they do talk, dont jump to advise or give your perspective.
I am not sure if I know what you mean when you use that wordwhat would I say instead?
For example, Thank you so much for helping your brother finish his assignment!
You are really a good problem-solver for your younger siblings, and youre generous with your time.
You cant experience fear and gratitude at the same time, White said.
A growth mindset leads to seeing problems as gifts, which leads to a sense of gratitude.
This gratitude will crowd out any feelings of fear or insecurity.
The question is:In our family, how should we treat each other?
Find a consensus and write down the word, phrase, or sentence you come up with.
Congrats: You have the seed of your ownFamily Vision Statement.
White thinks every family should have one because shared values and beliefs are the foundation of family connection.
Instead of butting heads over messy bedrooms, try letting them be responsible for it entirely.
Then you do the work of letting it go while they learn how to balance responsibility and freedom.
Finally, you cant really mess this up.
Consequently, there is nothing we can do as parents that causes irreversible damage.
