Resentment and anger started to build.
But when she texted, So sorry, be there soon, I replied, No worries!
Take your time :) Id had it.
I was really sick of this being nice shit.
Agreeable VersusTooAgreeable
Over the years, Ive developed a problematic habit of taking my agreeableness too far.
Being agreeable isnt a bad quality.
In psychological terms, being agreeable usually means youre anempathetic person who craves social harmony.
Thats great, but sometimes itmanifests itself in a really disingenuous way.
In other words, were nice to people because we want them to be nice to us.
Its what we learned in grade school, after all.
A big part of my agreeability is that Iwant people to like meand know that Im a good person.
For this reason, agreeable peopleare often too nice.
We agree to tasks we dont have time to do.
We agree to call a truce when were still hurt.
We agree with opinions we dont believe.
You get stressed and anxious; youre viewed as a patsy.
Its obvious to see how this becomes a problem.
This is why too-agreeable people are also frequently indecisive.
We dont know what we want because we overvalue what other people want.
When Being Too Nice Backfires
Ironically, most people are displeased by people-pleasing.
Its a turnoff, and researchlike this 2010 studypublished in theJournal of Personality and Social Psychologysupports this.
Researchers asked subjects to play a game that included both individual and group rewards.
They looked at how people reacted to selfish moves versus generous ones.
Two follow-up studies replicated this and ruled out explanations grounded in the target being seen as confused or unpredictable.
Why did they want the nice players out of the game?
The study pointed to two reasons.
First, researchers suggested that the overly agreeable players made everyone else feel bad about themselves.
And yep, the other members actually wanted to oust those players from the group.
Trying too hard to be nice can actually make people treat you worse.
It doesnt just apply to hypothetical games, though.
In 2011,University of Notre Dame researchersfound that agreeable employees earned significantly less than disagreeable ones.
It sounds obvious, but it helps to have numbers to back it up.
When youre a pushover, you dont speak up.
Researchers called it the Pollyanna Myth.
Irony hits again: being too nice might actually make you kind of a judgemental jerk.
Teams with too many highly agreeable people on themtend to fall into this trap more often.
In group situations, beingdisagreeablecan actually make you think more independently and look beyond the obvious for other solutions.
This is probably why I dont work well in groups: I prioritize social harmony over innovation or creativity.
Thats the price you pay for being yourself.
After years of people pleasing, though, thats a lot easier said than done.
At its core, I realized that my people pleasing had to do with feeling submissive.
With this in mind, I made some rules.
Ultimately, you may have to figure out what helps you, but this is what helped me.
To combat this, I took every interaction with a stranger as an opportunity to break that habit.
Instinctively, I was inclined to agree, oh I know, its awful.
We get what we pay for.
She chuckled and agreed.
It sounds petty, but that interaction made me feel slightly more confident, slightly dominant.
Taking on more of these challenges made me comfortable with speaking up in general.
And when people would say thank you, to me, Id usually respond with Of course!
I started to watch my language a little more.
Instead of apologizing for nothing,I said thank you instead.
Instead of saying, whatever you need!
I simply said, youre welcome.
Novel concept, right?
Another tactic that helped was remembering thatno one really cares.
Most people are in the same boat and worried about how they come across, too.
Or they just have their own stuff going on.
Or they just dont think youre that important!
And thats actually pretty liberating.
It means you could be yourself.
Of course, you dont want to take things to the other extreme and turn into achronically disagreeable jerk.
Theres a huge gray area between these two extremes.
The idea is to balance kindness and civility without sacrificing your own sense of worth and confidence.
