The worst thing is that they start asking you, So when will you two start having kids?
These potentially fraught questions are often treated as light conversation starters by co-workers, distant relatives, and acquaintances.
Weve exploredhow to answer those questions, whether politely deflecting or addressing an underlying emotional issue.
Now lets dive into what not to ask in the first place.
Inappropriate questions are almost inevitable.
Small talk is about getting to know people, and its impossible to predict everyones personal boundaries.
And it can be satisfying to intentionally enter a more meaningful conversation.
The important thing is to realize how seemingly banal questions can hit sore spots.
Therefore, before you ask a question, think how the other person could feel.
But what reply do you expect?
Youre not asking for a heads up; when someones engaged, theyll surely tell you.
Neither is an appropriate conversation starter.
If you want to ask about the relationship, start with something more innocent.
If you open with a vague Hows your partner?
you could let the other person decide how intimately to answer.
Or open up about your own life, but dont demand they rise to meet your level of intimacy.
When are you two going to have kids?is even worse.
The reasons for not having children are myriad, personal, and sometimes unhappy.
Pregnancy
Its pretty obvious whyAre you pregnant?doesnt fly.
You really cant be too cautious.
Ive chatted with a friend in her eighth month and still waited for her to bring it up first.
Still less awkward than a false positive.
If they are, theyll definitely mention it.
When you hear the due date, believe it.
Just avoid any implication that youre evaluating their body.
Work
Do you like your new job?isnt that rude, but it can be awkward.
Just rephrase in a way that doesnt demand a value judgment.
Whats your job like?
or What are you working on?
is a little easier to answer without a deep soul-search about career fulfillment.
When first meeting someone, even the most common opening question can be risky.
Meier advises against opening with the old lineSo what do you do?as it can sound opportunistic.
(Even worse is the loaded version I got at a tech conference: What do you make?)
If youre starting out cold, What do you do for fun?
is a lot more useful.
By definition, the answer is something the other person wants to talk about.
If you know someone is between jobs, the best-intentioned followups can sound like nagging.
AsThe Muses list of rude job-search questionsdemonstrates, this is a minefield.
If you really want to help, instead ask what theyre looking for.
And be cautious if you suggest any leads; leave them plenty of room to politely turn you down.
Thats one reason theyre so inappropriate for small talk: they insinuate intimacy and ask for vulnerability.
As Meier advises, Before you ask a question, gauge its sensitivity level.
