If we get divorced, it istotallytheir fault.
Catherines nine-year-old son was diagnosed withOppositional Defiant Disordera year ago.
He resists and defiesevery singletransition in life, she says.
If you say time to brush your teeth, you get screamed at.
Even places that are fun.
Neither one of us knows how to deal with it, Catherine admits.
This has taken a toll on her marriage.
You resent the fact thatnothingis easy.
We are too worn out to even care enough to get divorced.
How can parents protect their relationships with each other while also caring for a kid with challenging behavior?
Jeffrey Bernstein, child psychologist and author of10 Days to a Less Defiant Child, weighed in.
He suggests making deposits in the marriage bank accountdemonstrations of appreciative behavior.
Parenting ishard, Bernstein says.
venture to support each other on the things you might control.
Say things like Im on your team or I see your frustration to help stay bonded.
He also emphasizes affection and micro-interactions like smiles, gestures of affection and even taking a walk together.
Its a cliche, Hannah says, but date night reallyisrestorative.
Sometimes I wish he werent my kid.
Its important not to feel ashamed.
Dont compare your family to others.
Its the expressway to misery.
Parenting is cooperative, not a competition, says Bernstein.
One parent might be better at the toddler years and the other at the teen years.
Whatever you do, dont roll your eyes or do passive aggressive things in front of the kids.
Support the other parent in taking a problem-solving approachunderlying a childs outburst can be valid frustration.
Do you walk into a messy room and immediately freak out?
Call it
My husband and I issued a moratorium on restaurant eating that lasted nearly two years.
It was just too stressful.
Says Bernstein, Its OK to pull it in for a while, or divide and conquer.
Dont look at it as a loss.
An unruly nine-year-old probably wont be unruly when shes 14 or 15.
Well try family time another day.
Then he spat at the doctor.
*Names and identifying details have been changed.
This article was originally published in 2017 and updated on March 10, 2020 by Elizabeth Yuko.
Updates include the following: Checked links for accuracy and updated formatting to reflect current style.
