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Dear Human Resource,
I work as a host in a popular restaurant.
I often work shifts with a guy Ill call Brad.
He is about my age (mid 20s) but we have very different backgrounds.
I went to school, got a grad degree, and live with my partner.
The problem is, Brad hates his fiancee.
She cant be trusted to do the laundry.
She uses too many pans when she cooks.
She doesnt parent well, so Brad comes home to a kid that wont listen.
Im not here to judge.
I know that having a preschool-aged kid is no picnic.
And Im sure that this isnt the life he imagined for himself.
What do I do?
I dont think I can really say: Hey, uh, that sounds pretty abusive.
Have you considered… NOT marrying this woman?
At best, hes using you to vent, which is just rude and self-centered in general.
Plus he seems to be causing you outright discomfort and stress.
If he needs counseling, he should get counseling.
Nobody should expect a colleague to listen to ones personal-life kvetching and woes endlessly.
If that scenario, however far-fetched, makes you feel clammy: Good!
Because I think you should cut this off.
Be gentleat first
This doesnt have to be a confrontation.
Start by simply changing the subject whenever starts in on his unnamed partner.
Dont bother with transitions; just introduce a new subject.
Or excuse yourself to go deal with some other task.
Bottom line: express as little interest as possible in his home-life complaints.
Say something like: Would you mind if we talk about subjects other than your partner?
I know parenting is hard, but its starting to make me uncomfortable.
Personally, I wouldnt go there, because I think it just invites further entanglement.
And as a rule, I think the idea that we need to be friends with our colleagues isoverrated.
Give yourself a break
Maybe that all sounds a bit rudeor maybe callous.
You wouldnt let a real friend treat you that way.
So you certainly shouldnt let a work friend do so.
I suggested subtly training them away from this behavior.
Commenterwaterdragon advises:
Consider door #2 of Robs advice.
If you have multiple people doing this to you, it should give you pause.
At a minimum, I would guess that its too wordy and not formatted for easy reading.
Different people absorb information in different ways,another reader adds.
None of this means to blame the reader for colleagues unresponsiveness.
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Questions may be edited for length and clarity.
