The kid cant stand being around you.
This, of course, is a massive feat.
When they suddenly venture to assert independence, things are bound to get messy.
Brauners advice for parents: Dont make it worse.
In his practice, he hasseenparents make it worse.
We know how it can go, he says.
The kid yells a little bit.
The parent yells a lot.
The kid says, I dont like this.
The parent says, Well, youre grounded.
And then the kid says Fuck you.
And now where are we?
Teenagers, he adds, arent dropped in from space.
Theyre still themselvesjust more emotional, dramatic and sometimes really cranky versions of themselves.
Theyre human beings, he says.
They want respect and need to be heard.
They are no different from you and me or anyone else in wanting to be understood.
That work must begin much earlier, he says.
He gives this example: You might say, You may not drink alcohol.
Im not angry at you.
Dont take it personally
Parents are often the problem more than their teenagers, Brauner says.
They overreact when their teens huff or roll their eyes.
They take it personally, thinkingI didnt raise you to act this way.
Thats a foolish message.
When a teenagers world becomes uncertain, they seek security by testing their parents.
When they lash out, they are implicitly asking you, Can I still trust you to be strong?
The way to say yes, Brauner says, is to not let them rile you up.
And yes, that ishard.
Brauner says you must gather all the tools youve ever used to calm yourself during fight or flight situations.
But dont engage if you yourself are fuming.
Tell your kid you need a minute.
Go take a walk.
Splash water on your face.
Make yourself some tea.
If youre looking for it (and even if youre not),everyoneis ready to give you advice.
When your kids become teens, however, the tribe kind of dissipates, Brauner says.
It is up to you to ramp up your support system during what can be a uniquely isolating time.
Brauner explains, In every community Ive been in, there are teenage parenting classes that nobody goes to.
How to support your teen.
How to be a positive parent to your teen.
Schools often provide them.
But parents feel like, Ive exited this 10-year difficult era.
Can I have a break?
Do I really have to go to more workshops?
The answer is no, you dont, but you might consider it.
It may just be the outlet you need.
Every day, Brauner would tell his two teens, Im wondering how school was today.
Im available to talk if youd like to.
Theyd usually respond with an Eh or Not nowand that would be completely fine.
The idea is, Im not pushing you to share about your life.
Making friends with teenagers a little like making friends with a Bengal tiger, Brauner says.
You approach slowly and you know where the exits are.
Their brains evolve and they learn to regulate their emotions better.
Everything starts to feel a little less intense.
Brauner says, Some of the wonderful and most intimate times Ive had were with teenagers.
They are not hostile entities to be feared.
Theyre lovely and they have a tremendous amount of enthusiasm for the world.
All of this can be hard to see, but keep looking.
This story was originally published in 2018 and updated with new information on 2/25/2020.
