What happened next left me astounded.
Can I get you a wet towel?
She wiped her tears, shook her head no, and they both went back to playing.
I looked at the preschool director, like,uh, what was that?
We dont make kids say sorry, she explained.
The word doesnt mean much without an action to help make things better.
Usually, theyll give the kid a stern look, and ask, Hey, what do you say?
Then, when the child mutters a robotic sorry, all is good!
Its a little like teaching kids to be hit-and-run drivers, she writes.
Shumaker writes:
Young kids sometimes fool us.
Children differyou may have an early bloomerbut most children simply lack the emotional and cognitive development to feel remorse.
Remorse requires the ability to take another persons perspective and fully understand cause and effect.
These skills are still emerging in young children.
Even if you didnt mean to do it, she got hurt, and you gotta come back.
Your shopping cart ran over her toe.
Your hand knocked the cup of water onto her painting.
You were dancing and your arm whacked her face.
Theres a scratch on his arm.
Model empathy for the hurt child
Ask the child: Are you OK?
Help them take responsibility.
Make a guarantee
Shumaker writes, Reassurance that it wont happen again means something.
you might ask, Are you going to hit him again?
or have her say the words, I wont hit you again.
Model saying sorry in your own life
Eventually, we do want kids to say sorry.
Just check that your own apologies are meaningful.
That means acknowledging the consequences of your actions and taking steps to make things better.
For example: Im sorry I forgot to bring your teddy bear to school day.
You missed him during nap time.
This story was originally published in 2017 and updated with new information on 2/11/2020.
