Changing diapers, playing peekaboo, giving piggyback ridesit can all seem like play acting.
Then comes the moment when you become a real dad.
One day, youll be hanging out with your kid, open your mouth and produce a Dad Voice.
Like a patronus, it will gallop across the air and freeze its target in his tiny toddler tracks.
Dad Voice is loud without shouting, instructional but not hectoring.
When using the Dad Voice, you are not ascreaming maniac.
Instead, you are insistent and unyieldingperhaps setting expectations of a search ofvarious kinds of houses.
Use your diaphragm to boost the decibels and broadcast like a bullhorn.
Dont get wordy or wittyits not what you say, its how you say it.
Besides, this is no time for tomfoolery.
When to deploy the Dad Voice?
Here are a few scenarios.
A feedback loop of energy is generated by pheromones or underdeveloped frontal lobes or glazed donuts.
Theres shrieking and squealing and horseplay.
Occasionally, that horseplay breaks out of the corral and stampedes over everything in its path.
Squirming groups of flailing toddlers cannot be reasoned with.
They cannot be calmed by speaking sweetly about playing nicely.
They know only boisterous destruction that ends in tears.
Suddenly every dollar Ive ever worked for is in jeopardy.
This requires the Preemptive Dad Voice.
Preemptive Dad Voice is deadly quiet and accompanied by an unblinking stare.
To kids, cars are shiny, light and magical.
They vroom down wide, smooth tracks, perfect for play.
So when your preschooler sprints toward the curb, its not time for a friendly reminder about walking feet.
Its time for a full-throated Stop!
delivered in Dad Voice.
Its okay to use Dad Voice on drivers as well.
Last spring, my daughter and I were riding bikes to school.
Suddenly, some jackass in an Audi took a corner fast enough that the cars tail end spun out.
Turned out I was doing the work of someone elses dad.
The driver was a smooth-faced teenager with dumb hair.
Interacting With Dangerous Animals
One afternoon, three beagle-sized raccoons walked into my front yard.
I shouted something like, Hey raccoons!
Get out of here!
They just looked at me.
I stepped off the porch and repeated myself.
To him, you are an apex predator.
Even when youre faced with something apexier.
Do not do this with a grizzly!
Unlike Leo, you will die and fail to receive an Oscar.
Not sure which is which?Educate yourself.
Youre supposed to point at a particular person and say, Call 911!
or Bring me a first aid kit!or Ten milligrams of Epi, STAT!
This requires simple commands delivered in a Dad Voice.
No ones going to consider you an overbearing asshole.
Theyll be relieved that Dad seems to be in charge.
