When gratitude is inspired by guilt, obligation, or shame, thats not gratitude at all.
Its easy to say youre grateful and remind yourself to be grateful when youre feeling a little spoiled.
Embracing gratitude as a feeling, however, is a different story.
Thats what makes it a powerful tool, not just a nice habit.
And the good news is, its an easy enough tool to use.
Aregular gratitude sessionis an easy way to get started.
This just involves sitting down and making a list of things youre grateful for.
Gratitude researcher Robert Emmons recommends a strategy, too.
It might help to remember the bad.
We get used to life being a ball, and we come to expect it.
To combat this,he suggests:
Try this little exercise.
First, think about one of the unhappiest events you have experienced.
How often do you find yourself thinking about this event today?
Does the contrast with the present make you feel grateful and pleased?
Do you realize your current life situation is not as bad as it could be?
have a go at realize and appreciate just how much better your life is now.
No judgement, no shame, just an objective list of reasons why their life might be awesome.
Its kind of obvious, really (why wouldnt you feel happier when thinking about happy things?)
but the key words here are substantial and consistent.
It seems happiness sticks over time.
Whats even more impressive, though, is how this is even true when your life really sucks.
At one of my lowest points in life, I embraced gratitude as a defense mechanism.
I was alone, broke, and Id just gone through some unsettling trauma.
I wanted to feel something else.
I startedlooking for things in my life to be happy about, because I was tired of being down.
I didnt know it at the time, but research shows this can help you bounce back from trauma.
I wouldve wanted to kick them in the kneecaps.
Its the equivalent of telling someone to just suck it up and dealnot helpful.
You dont process your pain at all with that strategy.
Like the study says, gratitude was the perfect buffer.
It wont fix the aftermath of a tragedy, but it can be a helpful way to cope.
Gratitude Improves Your Relationships
When Im feeling stressed and angry, Im not a cool person.
Itsnot an attractive quality, but the good news is, it works the other way around, too.
When youre feeling thankful and appreciative, you have a tendency to be kinder and more empathic to people.
A recent study on gratitude found as much.
Researchers from the University of Georgiainterviewed couples about how happy they werein their marriage.
They found that expressing gratitude was a consistent predictor of happiness.
The studyslead author said:
It goes to show the power of thank you.
When youre feeling grateful, youre in a better emotional state.
Youve slowed down to enjoy the moment and bea little more mindful of it.
I felt in control of my emotions, rather than overwhelmed by them.
It worked the same way with my finances.
A lot of personal finance is focused on what you dont have.
Were always progressing, moving forward, making goals, trying to getmore.
Thats why it took a while to get my finances straight.
A few years ago, I totally drained my savingsbecause of a dumb mistake.
I invested, I focused on ways to earn more money.
And then, a funny thing happened:my finances started to get better.
It wasnt because of some positive thinking Law of Attraction stuff, either.
Its a useless habit that often only makes things worse.
One suggestion he made was to be moreimpartial about analyzing your mistakesso you dont make them again.
This puts you back in the drivers seat.
For example, when I was laid off, I was naturallydepressed and angry and confused.
Even when I got a new job, I still felt like I was worthless somehow.
I have a cool apartment.
I love my significant other and my cats.
My family is always there for me.
Those things still existed even without my job, and that was a big wake up call.
Ultimately, gratitude works best when you reframe the way you think about it.
Its not some old, boring ethical obligation stemming from shame and guilt.
Illustration by Tara Jacoby.
