In the dating world theres a looming presence that haunts us all: ghosting.
Ive watched friends get ghosted, been ghosted on, and Ive even been the ghost many times.
But I decided to stop.
Its like flaking, but you dont offer any explanation or even try making a lame excuse.
Person 2:
You too!
Yeah, definitely :)
A few days later…
Hey!
So Im free Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday this week?
I was thinking we grab dinner if youre interested!
No response, forever and ever, amen.
Its become a common practice these days, especially if youveventured into online dating.
Why People Ghost
There are a lot of reasons people ghost.
Its often their best option in a messed up situation in a messed up world.
But some reasons are a bit more shallow.
Maybe were afraid to disappoint and feel guilty.
Maybe we dont like conflict and avoid it at all costs.
There are lots of different shades of ghosting.
Sometimes people are just being rude and thoughtless.
But a lot of people think that ghosting is a kinder option than honesty.
Thats why I did it.
That and the fact that it took zero effort and other people did it to me.
Silence, ghosting, is easy.
You might even start diving into your deepest insecurities, latching onto things you think make you unloveable.
A ghost sidesteps conflict and confrontation, but its passed onto the victim.
Suddenly youre at conflict with yourself, wondering what you did wrong.
Additionally, the silent treatment creates whatJennice Vilhauer Ph.D. at Psychology Today callsthe ultimate scenario of ambiguity.
), upset at the person (are they really that rude?
), upset at yourself (did I screw the pooch again?
If youve ever been in that position, you know how maddening it can be.
I need to feel something, but I dont know what, so Ill just feel EVERYTHING!
It led to the most anger, hurt, and rejection for those on the receiving end.
Those who were dumped with open confrontation, however, were less angry and hurt.
I came to realize that I wasnt helping anyone by dropping all contact.
In fact, I was probably making them feel worse.
Most people deserve an explanation, or at the very least, closure.
You stop letting yourself be vulnerable because you get jaded and expect it to happen again and again.
The blast shields stay up and everyone you chat with and meet is just another potential ghost.
But you wont be mentally prepared if all you know how to do is run.
If you have trouble being open and honest, ghosting only entrenches you in that state of mind.
And the more you ghost the more you become desensitized to it,suggests Vilhauer.
What seemed like an easy way out of confrontation became my only way out.
Instead of dealing with social consequences, I simply avoided them.
I wasnt making things easier, I was unknowingly shifting my perspective to a robotic, unauthentic mindset.
I wasnt being myself.
I found that being honest isnt always easy, or comfortable, but it still feels right.
Ghosting has become an accepted drawback of the modern dating scene, but it doesnt have to be.
Just say something,anything.
You donthaveto vanish into the ether.
Theres no need for a novel or explanatory speech either.
Something as simple as a text that says I dont think this is going to work out.
[insert optional reason here].
It was nice to meet you, though!
Take care will help both of you.
That said, I realize its much easier for me to make that step as a man.
As Marin points out, its perfectly acceptable to ignore people that are too persistent or intimidating.
If you genuinely dont feel safe saying no thanks to someone, get your ghost on.
Shit, get your block all communication on.
Illustration by Angelica Alzona.
